When men don’t want sex

I know I have a high sex drive. Supposedly men love it when a woman likes to have sex all the time. Supposedly. That’s what they say, that’s what society tells us. Men are eternally horny and never want to do anything but fuck, right? That’s all they think about, right? I kind of wish that were true.

More than once in my life I have been in a position where I felt like I was the one wanting more sex than the male I was sleeping with. Most notable was the discrepancy in my marriage. I was married for 13 years to a man that showed virtually no sexual interest in me. It cut me to the core and made me question myself a lot and wonder what I was doing wrong.

I’ll never forget the day, while we were still newlyweds, when I got all dressed up in my sexiest lingerie, thigh highs, and heels, fixed my hair and makeup and waited to surprise him at the door upon his arrival home from work. I was barely 21 years old, with a near perfect figure from working out daily and never having had children. 5’6”, 110 lbs, but I still had curves, plus a perfectly flat stomach, the envy of every girl I knew. Yet my husband took one look at me, pushed past and announced that he had a headache and was going to bed. I was crushed. 😦 I sat in the living room alone in the dark, tears streaming down my face, wondering what it was about me that he didn’t want.

Our wedding night hadn’t gone any better. I was eager with the anticipation of sleeping together, finally, after having taken a year and a half break from sex due to his “rededication to Christ”. Yet when I tried to initiate a makeout he turned me down. I didn’t understand why and it brought me to tears. That time he had tried to offer comfort, then said he just “couldn’t do that to me” when I was so upset. What? I WANTED to have sex! Do what?? Nevertheless we didn’t sleep together that night, or most of the nights on our honeymoon, though we did finally consummate the marriage.

The scenes repeated each other over and over in various ways throughout the years. I would try every way I could think of to get him to sleep with me, to no avail. Even on our anniversaries at hotels he would roll over and fall asleep, leaving me sad and lonely, wondering if other couples had that problem or it was just me. We had sex occasionally, and even had children, but it was so infrequent. I’d ask him how it could possibly be enough for him and he said he was plenty satisfied with our sexual relationship, I should be more focused on spiritual things and not make such a big deal about sex.

I tried waiting until he initiated, but it never happened. That time we went almost an entire year without sex at all. He didn’t appear to be having an affair. He was busy with work and school but even during times he was laid off from work nothing happened. I’d try and try to talk to him about it. Was there something he wanted me to do differently? I couldn’t get any real answers from him, he claimed to be satisfied and that he really didn’t need that much sex. I was so disappointed, not only in him but in myself for not being able to arouse his passion. He swore up and down he was not gay and became angry with me for asking. He shamed me for wanting so much sex, like it wasn’t normal for a woman to be that way.

After my divorce I was finally free to enjoy sex again! With whomever I pleased and from reading my blog you can see I do just that. 😉 However I have come across more than one situation where it seems my sex drive is still higher than the men around me. I’m talking about men I have already developed a sexual relationship with, and slept with on more than one occasion. I’ve also come across some interesting guys while dating and meeting people online that have lead me to believe my interest in sex is greater than theirs. It leads me to wonder if men aren’t the ones with the lower sex drives after all. Maybe it’s my age (mid- thirties) or the age of the men? Or maybe men are really just putting on a show. Sure, they are easier to turn on and don’t need the warm up time that a woman does, but when push comes to shove, I’m not so sure they aren’t the ones wanting to “just cuddle” more often!

I came across a blog recently where a woman was complaining that she had been invited for dinner to a man’s house that she had previously enjoyed great sex with. Upon drinking a glass or two of wine that he provided he announced he didn’t want to have sex because he was in a relationship now with a new woman. WTF? Why would you invite someone over just to turn them down? Yes, I’ve heard of women doing this nonsense, but men? If we believed the media we’d believe they can have sex with just about any female and and are uncontrollable in their desire to do so. Standard evolutionary theories claim men need to “spread their seed” and can’t help the desire to fuck, while women aren’t so inclined. Please.

Counseling books and marriage manuals tell women over and over how they need to satisfy their husband sexually and look good for him and that will keep him happy. The Christian ones are the worst, but don’t get me started. I tried so hard to do that for my ex- husband to no avail. You can lead a guy to the pussy, but you can’t make him fuck it, lol.

I’ve discovered, over online dating, that there are some men who enjoy getting off to a woman’s voice or pictures or flirty, sexual, texts but have no desire to actually sleep with you. That’s just too much work, apparently. Or else they are married and living that little fantasy in their mind is their escape and they don’t want to get caught so they continue on without ACTUALLY doing anything. It’s not just women that play these kinds of games! I had one guy call me on the phone and basically use me for phone sex! He started asking me questions and I had kids nearby so I couldn’t really answer. He told me just to say yes or no because he was so turned on by my sexy voice and started asking what position I liked and other sexual things and was getting really excited by my answers. He’d be like “that is so fucking hot” and all I’d say was yes or no and okay. Then it suddenly became apparent he was through jacking off and he hung up the phone. So much for our date that night! It didn’t happen. Seriously, he got his over the phone. Dork.

Even the married guys I have been involved with sexually do similar things. Sometimes they will actually get together for sex but others it seems they are more interested in fantasy encounters. I don’t have time for that, I want the real thing. Screw phone sex!! LOL I haven’t had webcam sex yet, but I hear that’s pretty popular these days. Ugh. I can masturbate by myself. I want ACTUAL SEX, dammit!!

Then there is the Professor. He lives within 15 minutes of my house and the sex is FANTASTIC. I know he likes me. He even buys me little things from time to time and is really sweet. I know he likes the sex, but sometimes he complains of being tired. He’s only in his early forties but you’d think by the way he talks that he was 80. He’s not sleeping with other women that frequently either so it makes me wonder that he doesn’t seem to want it more often. Don’t get me wrong, I see him maybe once or twice a week for sex and that is great, but I’m puzzled sometimes by his behavior. Like the other day he said he wanted me to come over but he didn’t want to sleep together. WTF?

I was kind of angry and annoyed, to be honest. I didn’t want to be too demanding, because he said he was tired and not feeling that great but I asked if he really thought we should see each other then and he said yes. I reluctantly agreed to come over. I dressed cute even though he said “don’t dress up” and had every intention of seducing him to have sex with me though (which I did). I think his actual original plan was just to cuddle on the couch. I really didn’t want to do that and he was like “you are so bad” when I started teasing him. Total role reversal, but come on!! When we finally went back into his bedroom I was like “c’mon just the tip” in a joking way and he laughed and was like “yeah right”. SMFH

He’s not the only one either. My FWB guy comes over here and stays the whole weekend and sometimes he only wants to have sex like once or twice the entire time! He’d rather hang out and be with me and have sex a little bit. Now, I’m not knocking guys when they can’t get hard immediately after round one but I admit I like it when they can go again and again. Still sometimes they act like “all you ever want is sex” to me. :p Is that bad?

I have to wonder if men really want what they say. They are all about “I want a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets” but when they actually get it sometimes they try to dial you back and make you feel bad for your desire for more. I’ve had guys say things like “you don’t have to be so sexual all the time, we should go out more and just do things together”. Or “talk to me more about other stuff, not just sex” and actually “are you using me for sex?” (No, really, a guy has actually asked me that, then tried to play it off like he was joking later). I don’t mind spending non sexual time with guys I like, at all, it just strikes me as funny when they say stuff like that, lol.

So who REALLY has the higher sex drive and needs? Men or women? Does this change when you are in a poly relationship versus a monogamous one? Could it be because sex is often more physical work and more demanding for men to participate in? Is masturbation just easier and less pressure? Would love to read your thoughts!

37 thoughts on “When men don’t want sex

  1. I’m most definitely in the same boat as you! My husband and I didn’t have that much sex, consider our newlywed state and young age. Then my last big love wasn’t interested in it at all once that initial six month honeymoon period was over. What happened? The men I encountered at 16-19 were all about the sex, and now I’m in my mid-twenties and actually know enough about my body to actually enjoy sex, they keep blowing me off. My sex drive is through the roof right now, to the point where I am quite literally fucking anything with legs. The guys in my life just aren’t enough for me, so I have to juggle them, so to speak. Maybe girls are the new guys? Maybe the media and everything I thought about men is just wrong? One thing is for sure – there are plenty of frustrated little women out there. Maybe we should start a club? 🙂

    • Haha, we totally should! One of my best friends who is married tells me from time to time about her struggles with getting him to sleep with her. Its not just us!! Why is the media hiding this fact from us? Hmmmm….. I don’t mean to be all “its a conspiracy”, lol, but still!! I do remember watching an episode of Married With Children where the husband was totally not wanting to have sex with his wife and thinking, hey thats probably more typical than we realize. I have the same types of memories of guys wanting it all the time as a teenager. Maybe guys really do lose their sex drives as they get older and women just get more and more horny, but I wanted it back then too! I swear I had the sex drive of a teenage boy when I was a teenager myself.

  2. Some land animals enjoy watching birds in the sky. But if you ever gave them wings, some may be excited, uninterested or just too damn afraid to fly. .

    Good read.

    -Inked Pen

  3. Same boat, here. My exhusband made me feel like I was demanding sexual deviant because I wanted to have sex and was honest about it. I learned to not be honest about it with him because it always, always came down to something I’d done wrong.

    Now – I’ve met a couple of people but to be honest, I think I probably need to have multiple people I’m dating just so that I can have the amount of sex I want. My sex drive is high, and not everyone’s is… even men.

    Stoopid tv promised randy men folk. 😉

    • Exactly!! That is totally how my ex was too. It was my fault he wouldn’t sleep with me and I really tore myself up about it too. I think it is hard with the current cultural climate for men to admit that they aren’t wanting as much sex too because they are shamed for THAT just like we are for being horny all the time.

      I’ve come to the same conclusion about multiple people. Heck, I’ve got a list to choose from and sometimes that doesn’t even seem like enough. Waaah! :p

  4. My ex boyfriend was just like that. I was ready to go all the time but he barely wanted to have sex at all. We would only have sex if he was in the mood and if I tried to initiate it 95% of the time I would be rejected. It made me feel horrible about myself because I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me. It became very obvious to me that often it is the women with the higher sex-drive in a relationship and I think a lot of it can be blamed on the media for this delusion that it’s always the reverse.

    • I think a lot of women suffer in silence because they are embarrassed to admit their significant other won’t sleep with them. For men, its more acceptable to talk about how your wife won’t give you any and practically expected. I know when other women would talk about their husbands always chasing after them for sex and I made any kind of “well sometimes its the other way around” vague comment there would be awkward silence. Its pretty hard on the self esteem because its expected that men will want sex and if they don’t there must be something wrong with YOU.

  5. I was the opposite once upon a time.. I was always after a connection, a passionate encounter, a place to be in control… I was getting it at home and getting it everywhere else.. I died from doing it.. and then finally got re birthed into a better understanding of my passion and what I craved.. As a man who is connected to himself inside I can share what it is that is missing.. The energy you place out there is not the energy that will keep him coming.. It is because you project it to be one way and so it shall.. But it really is no secret on how to drive this from any man.. Are you sure you are paying attention to the man you keep choosing? I loved your blog and related to it as I was a male experiencing that except I was rarely turned down.. as I could feel a woman to understand her in a way that made her submissive yet her needs fulfilled completely for as long as she wanted and how she got it without even saying what it was she needed or wanted.. A man has the ability to hear this.. It is a choice! thanks again for sharing!

  6. Nah, who ever invented the word “Men want more sex than women” should be shot in the balls. It’s just a piece of crap trying to disguise true nature. Men and women are equal when it comes to sex. I can’t even cope up with my girlfriends libido at times.

    I admit and i’m guilty about this. Perhaps, it’s true that men have diminishing sexual desires when they have sex with a women a higher frequencies. POLYGAMY doesn’t meant we’re hornier than you women, what it meant is we want different women all in one night stands.

    F*ck it but it so true. And I’m proud to say – i’m trying hard to want my girl for the rest of my life 🙂

    • I think women get bored in long term relationships too, honestly. Maybe men just get bored more quickly. I think its true that men and women BOTH want sex and not every man is the horn dog they are made out to be.

      • Yes! Thank you!
        Men and women (both!!) do get bored… It’s hard to have sex with the same person for the rest of your life! Honestly!
        See, proof… We were made to be polygamists! Lol

  7. I understand your feelings! Everyone says that it’s women who are fridged and stingy when it comes to sex, but with my bf, I always feel pushy and demanding. If I wait and don’t initiate, it could easily be a week without an encounter. While I suppose that’s not as bad as it could be, it leaves me highly unsatisfied within a relationship. I understand that men and women have different sex drives and things like work and stress make a difference, but it tends to be frustrating when I’m also being told that this is what every man wants and I’m being rejected because of it.

    • Exactly!! It makes a woman feel especially rejected because we are constantly fed the message that if we are remotely attractive every man out there is going to want to ravish us constantly. I’ve not found that to be true. Yet its kind of a taboo topic for women to bring up. You’d think with all the sexual liberation that women could be more open about stuff like that but its kind of shameful to admit a guy is not wanting to fuck you.

  8. Great post! Wow your marriage must have nearly killed you considering how sexed up you truely are… I think you are possibly right about women having higher sex drives than is normally made out. I guess it’s a myth which the media for some crazy reason needs to perpetrate?!
    I’m so glad you are free to express/be yourself now ; )

    • Thank you! Me too! lol Yes, it did drive me crazy. I’m not really sure why its portrayed that men have higher sex drives. Maybe guys just don’t want to admit we are instatiable cause then they would feel bad about not being able to keep up. Ha! Or maybe its just guys within a certain age range that have the insane sex drives and we forget the rest of the men.

  9. This is so great! You are not alone. I divorced my husband of 12 years after trying to seduce him most of the time. Although when I was successful I often ended up crying because it was so pathetic.
    Another funny coincidence is that I’ve got a professor (in a house, ha!). The sex is really amazing, liberating & loud.

    Both men are catholic -the ex lives in shame & guilt, the other,my love lives with an open heart. Who would have thought. Really, sex drive seems to be determined on how physically aware we are and how present. Again, my ex was always in the past or future and sex could not compete. I don’t think it’s men only, I think it’s just a choice that people subconsciously make. And how sad to go through life missing out on one of the healthiest & most delicious things we can do.

    • That’s interesting. I think my ex kind of lived in the past or future too. In any case, mine aren’t Catholic (whew). At least we know they are different guys!! Haha 😉 I felt pathetic too. :p Its not fun as a woman to practically have to beg a guy to sleep with you. Makes you feel pretty undesireable!!

  10. As I have mentioned before, I don’t think much of your ex. I remain convinced he got married to check off a box on his Good Christian do list. He is pathetic and there are many like him out there. One reason I believe people should have a long relationship before they get married. At least four years so the thrill of new romance can wear off and they can do a long term compatibility check. For sure, matching sex drives are a must.

    Only about 1 in 6 women in my personal sample really liked sex, meaning it was something they would do for its own sake, not just because they were dazed by romance or in man catching mode. (Once you encounter a woman who actually enjoys sex, it is easy to spot the ones who don’t.) It would not surprise me to learn that the number for men is similar. The idea that men are sex crazed dogs is an impression formed by prudish women in high school when their sex starved boy friends were anxious to relieve their blue balls and couldn’t stop pressuring them for sex.

    Men have varying sex drives and it goes down as they get older and consume drugs and foods that sap their vigor. Women can’t deal with sexual rejection as well as men because they have absorbed the message that no man would turn down sex and if he does it must be a failing on her part. But many men as well as many women simply do not realize how healing and invigorating sex really is and reject sex because they don’t feel right, not realizing that the thing that would make things right is being offered to them on a silver platter. The story of your husband rejecting sex after you got all dolled up for him is an example. I guarantee that a nice fuck and a little nap afterward would have cured any ills work left him with, but most people have never learned that. When you feel like shit is exactly when sex can help the most. It is nature’s happiness drug.

    A truth of life is, most people suck at sex. All you can do is filter out those who do not give you the sex you need and lavish your attention on ones who will.

    • All very true!! I wonder if it really is one in six. It seems like most of the guys I slept with when I was younger were all just go, go, go about sex but my guess is that those are the people I actually ended up sleeping with frequently versus the one night stands or infrequent people who maybe really weren’t as into sex and thats why. I wasn’t really tying myself into monagamous relationships back then very often but the times I tried it was usually with someone who was so sex crazed that they not only wanted it all the time but also cheated. I think we tend to remember the super high sex drive people more too, lol.

  11. If you are still seeing the professor (and I’m counting on him not knowing about this blog), the next few times he wants to see you, be busy with other things. Then when you DO see him, act a little distracted. You’ve lost the mystery with him and need to get it back unless you want that rela to continue to fizzzzzzzzzzzle… ouuuuut.

    • He knows I have a blog somewhere but I’ve not told him what I write about or my alias. 🙂 Hmmmm….. I’m starting to wonder. I mean, I know he does like me and the sex is great but I think maybe my insecurities lately are because I am sensing him starting to get bored. I don’t want that because I really like him 😦 Gotta do something about it. Maybe its time for a new guy or something. Will see.

  12. It could be life affecting & dampening sexual impulses, or just his own BS. The few times I’ve been totally disinterested in sex was when my heart wasn’t in it. I was just so emotionally exhausted or high on emotions (like anger) that sex wasn’t even an option. Otherwise, even when I don’t want sex, I want sex. If I see you making a play for some intimacy, I will try to meet you half way because I can tell that you really want it. Some people might as well be born without genitals because they don’t have any interest in sex besides being an procreation & future proofing. I’m sorry you didn’t get the kind of love or loving that you desired. You tried.

    • Yeah I did and that part sucked but thankfully it’s over and I’m free to do as I please now, at least to an extent, I’m limited on free time (like everyone else these days). I wonder sometimes if my ex shows any interest in his current girlfriend. She’s very overweight and not super attractive but maybe that’s what he likes. Who knows? I have my doubts though and suspect he’s treating her similarly.

  13. This is such a refreshing read – I so was there both with my Husband of 13 years and my ex – the father of my child – what is it with men who won’t initiate? I also think I am seeing the divide between ‘nice’ guys and the more forbidden ones relating to sex drive. I love spending time with ‘nice’ guys but bad boys often are more virile, accomplished and horny…

    • Yeah, so glad you liked it. 🙂 I went through a bad boy phase long ago but nowadays I think I’ve found my niche with guys who are nice guys but bad boys in bed 😉 haha Nice guys on the street and dynamos in the sheets? 😉 I really hate that some men seem to think they have to be all non sexual with a woman to be “nice”. Ugh. Nooooo……

  14. Pingback: STUCK in a prison of my own making | lifeofalovergirl

  15. I’m currently in a sexless marriage and my husband had me convinced that I was oversexed because I wanted sex every other night. In the end I would have been happy with once a week, but no luck there either. Its funny but until you mentioned asking your husband if he was gay, I’d forgotten that in amongst all the other things I’d asked my husband (while trying to find out why he didn’t want to have sex with me), I had asked him if he was gay too. Of course he was outraged that I would say such a thing. I didn’t really think he was (he is very homophobic) but I was running out of ideas as to ‘Why?’ In the end I think it was twofold – low Testosterone and that he didn’t love me any more.


    • Yes, I suspect my ex has low testosterone as well. He never had a problem getting it up when we did have sex or anything like that he just was rarely ever in the mood. He may have been suffering from some depression too and during the divorce I discovered he’d been sexually abused as a child by an older brother who now identifies as gay. I’m sure those things combined have something to do with his issues but for us it was too late to work on them.

  16. Tough subject, but one that I am glad you wrote about! It’s true, no one ever talks about when the woman has a higher sex drive than the man! But it happens… (As this blog and in the comments have proven… Often!) I think libido depends on the person. Some of us are just built with higher sex drives than others. What I want to know is why we seem intrinsically drawn to someone who has the polar opposite sex drive of our own? *sigh* Sometimes, opposites really DO NOT attract.

    • I wonder why that is…why some have higher sex drives. Sometimes I think it has to do with that adage that whoever cares the most has the least amount of power in a relationship. It may apply to sex drives too. Like the one who wants it the most is in a position where they aren’t likely to get it and the other person is turned off by their over sexuality. Yet if the tables were turned the supposedly “low” sex drive person would be the one wanting it more. Can’t say for sure though.

  17. Wish I had met one of you horny ladies twenty years ago. I wasted the best years of my sex life struggling to stir up the slightest interest in my wife. She was never much of a sex freak but after she had a child her interest just fizzled out.

    • I keep hearing that from men and it bewilders me but at the same time I think I can understand some of it. When you have a child it does drain a lot of your time and energy and the guy needs to refocus on making her feel sexy again. A lot of times I don’t think they really understand how to do that.

      I also suspect a lot of men marry women who don’t have as strong of sex drives to begin with, having been taught all their lives what the “marrying kind” looks like and it’s basically asexual.

  18. You have gotten lot’s of replies on this and I just started following so I wanted to leave one from me. Maybe it’s just the type of guys you are attracted to. I have many friends who through talking with over some beer, I can pick up on just what you are talking about. They talk the talk, but do not walk the walk per say. In fact, many of my friends both male and female see me as one of the horniest and kinkiest of their friends. So yes. I believe there are men out there who are cold water when life gets in the way; and there are women who are hot all the time, sometimes it’s hard to find that match. Trust me, it has nothing to do with your looks or your personality, it’s a chemical reaction in the brain that controls the arousing thoughts of any man or woman and the more you push it on a person who does not have a high sex drive, the less it will happen.
    I follow the blog of (http://monkeyinacage.wordpress.com/) Monkey in a cage and they inspire me as they are always horny for each other. Even though “he” doesn’t get much (as it should be in their kinky lifestyle), they are always at it. I think that was a perfect match made in heaven.
    I haven’t read much of your blog yet and not sure how kinky you are, but there may be some answers there depending on your interests. You mentioned Poly and there are plenty of blogs about being in poly relationships and upping the sexual gratification.
    Unlike some of the comments I read, I enjoy my wife’s sexuality most of the time. She is very active at 2-3 times a week but on occasion we may go 10-12 days without some bomb bomb ;). I know when her horniest time of the month is and I try to capitalize on those ;).
    It sounds like you’re enjoying life and keep it going. When you find that right person you will know. Being heavily sexual is far from being a sin, but the type of person you are. Sexuality was was a gift to us and is part of the match making.

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