I know I have a high sex drive. Supposedly men love it when a woman likes to have sex all the time. Supposedly. That’s what they say, that’s what society tells us. Men are eternally horny and never want to do anything but fuck, right? That’s all they think about, right? I kind of wish that were true.
More than once in my life I have been in a position where I felt like I was the one wanting more sex than the male I was sleeping with. Most notable was the discrepancy in my marriage. I was married for 13 years to a man that showed virtually no sexual interest in me. It cut me to the core and made me question myself a lot and wonder what I was doing wrong.
I’ll never forget the day, while we were still newlyweds, when I got all dressed up in my sexiest lingerie, thigh highs, and heels, fixed my hair and makeup and waited to surprise him at the door upon his arrival home from work. I was barely 21 years old, with a near perfect figure from working out daily and never having had children. 5’6”, 110 lbs, but I still had curves, plus a perfectly flat stomach, the envy of every girl I knew. Yet my husband took one look at me, pushed past and announced that he had a headache and was going to bed. I was crushed. 😦 I sat in the living room alone in the dark, tears streaming down my face, wondering what it was about me that he didn’t want.
Our wedding night hadn’t gone any better. I was eager with the anticipation of sleeping together, finally, after having taken a year and a half break from sex due to his “rededication to Christ”. Yet when I tried to initiate a makeout he turned me down. I didn’t understand why and it brought me to tears. That time he had tried to offer comfort, then said he just “couldn’t do that to me” when I was so upset. What? I WANTED to have sex! Do what?? Nevertheless we didn’t sleep together that night, or most of the nights on our honeymoon, though we did finally consummate the marriage.
The scenes repeated each other over and over in various ways throughout the years. I would try every way I could think of to get him to sleep with me, to no avail. Even on our anniversaries at hotels he would roll over and fall asleep, leaving me sad and lonely, wondering if other couples had that problem or it was just me. We had sex occasionally, and even had children, but it was so infrequent. I’d ask him how it could possibly be enough for him and he said he was plenty satisfied with our sexual relationship, I should be more focused on spiritual things and not make such a big deal about sex.
I tried waiting until he initiated, but it never happened. That time we went almost an entire year without sex at all. He didn’t appear to be having an affair. He was busy with work and school but even during times he was laid off from work nothing happened. I’d try and try to talk to him about it. Was there something he wanted me to do differently? I couldn’t get any real answers from him, he claimed to be satisfied and that he really didn’t need that much sex. I was so disappointed, not only in him but in myself for not being able to arouse his passion. He swore up and down he was not gay and became angry with me for asking. He shamed me for wanting so much sex, like it wasn’t normal for a woman to be that way.
After my divorce I was finally free to enjoy sex again! With whomever I pleased and from reading my blog you can see I do just that. 😉 However I have come across more than one situation where it seems my sex drive is still higher than the men around me. I’m talking about men I have already developed a sexual relationship with, and slept with on more than one occasion. I’ve also come across some interesting guys while dating and meeting people online that have lead me to believe my interest in sex is greater than theirs. It leads me to wonder if men aren’t the ones with the lower sex drives after all. Maybe it’s my age (mid- thirties) or the age of the men? Or maybe men are really just putting on a show. Sure, they are easier to turn on and don’t need the warm up time that a woman does, but when push comes to shove, I’m not so sure they aren’t the ones wanting to “just cuddle” more often!
I came across a blog recently where a woman was complaining that she had been invited for dinner to a man’s house that she had previously enjoyed great sex with. Upon drinking a glass or two of wine that he provided he announced he didn’t want to have sex because he was in a relationship now with a new woman. WTF? Why would you invite someone over just to turn them down? Yes, I’ve heard of women doing this nonsense, but men? If we believed the media we’d believe they can have sex with just about any female and and are uncontrollable in their desire to do so. Standard evolutionary theories claim men need to “spread their seed” and can’t help the desire to fuck, while women aren’t so inclined. Please.
Counseling books and marriage manuals tell women over and over how they need to satisfy their husband sexually and look good for him and that will keep him happy. The Christian ones are the worst, but don’t get me started. I tried so hard to do that for my ex- husband to no avail. You can lead a guy to the pussy, but you can’t make him fuck it, lol.
I’ve discovered, over online dating, that there are some men who enjoy getting off to a woman’s voice or pictures or flirty, sexual, texts but have no desire to actually sleep with you. That’s just too much work, apparently. Or else they are married and living that little fantasy in their mind is their escape and they don’t want to get caught so they continue on without ACTUALLY doing anything. It’s not just women that play these kinds of games! I had one guy call me on the phone and basically use me for phone sex! He started asking me questions and I had kids nearby so I couldn’t really answer. He told me just to say yes or no because he was so turned on by my sexy voice and started asking what position I liked and other sexual things and was getting really excited by my answers. He’d be like “that is so fucking hot” and all I’d say was yes or no and okay. Then it suddenly became apparent he was through jacking off and he hung up the phone. So much for our date that night! It didn’t happen. Seriously, he got his over the phone. Dork.
Even the married guys I have been involved with sexually do similar things. Sometimes they will actually get together for sex but others it seems they are more interested in fantasy encounters. I don’t have time for that, I want the real thing. Screw phone sex!! LOL I haven’t had webcam sex yet, but I hear that’s pretty popular these days. Ugh. I can masturbate by myself. I want ACTUAL SEX, dammit!!
Then there is the Professor. He lives within 15 minutes of my house and the sex is FANTASTIC. I know he likes me. He even buys me little things from time to time and is really sweet. I know he likes the sex, but sometimes he complains of being tired. He’s only in his early forties but you’d think by the way he talks that he was 80. He’s not sleeping with other women that frequently either so it makes me wonder that he doesn’t seem to want it more often. Don’t get me wrong, I see him maybe once or twice a week for sex and that is great, but I’m puzzled sometimes by his behavior. Like the other day he said he wanted me to come over but he didn’t want to sleep together. WTF?
I was kind of angry and annoyed, to be honest. I didn’t want to be too demanding, because he said he was tired and not feeling that great but I asked if he really thought we should see each other then and he said yes. I reluctantly agreed to come over. I dressed cute even though he said “don’t dress up” and had every intention of seducing him to have sex with me though (which I did). I think his actual original plan was just to cuddle on the couch. I really didn’t want to do that and he was like “you are so bad” when I started teasing him. Total role reversal, but come on!! When we finally went back into his bedroom I was like “c’mon just the tip” in a joking way and he laughed and was like “yeah right”. SMFH
He’s not the only one either. My FWB guy comes over here and stays the whole weekend and sometimes he only wants to have sex like once or twice the entire time! He’d rather hang out and be with me and have sex a little bit. Now, I’m not knocking guys when they can’t get hard immediately after round one but I admit I like it when they can go again and again. Still sometimes they act like “all you ever want is sex” to me. :p Is that bad?
I have to wonder if men really want what they say. They are all about “I want a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets” but when they actually get it sometimes they try to dial you back and make you feel bad for your desire for more. I’ve had guys say things like “you don’t have to be so sexual all the time, we should go out more and just do things together”. Or “talk to me more about other stuff, not just sex” and actually “are you using me for sex?” (No, really, a guy has actually asked me that, then tried to play it off like he was joking later). I don’t mind spending non sexual time with guys I like, at all, it just strikes me as funny when they say stuff like that, lol.
So who REALLY has the higher sex drive and needs? Men or women? Does this change when you are in a poly relationship versus a monogamous one? Could it be because sex is often more physical work and more demanding for men to participate in? Is masturbation just easier and less pressure? Would love to read your thoughts!