Archive | October 2012

The Evolution of Jealousy

Once upon a time I had hardly any jealousy whatsoever when dating guys. Back in those days, before having sex for the first time, relationships didn’t seem so complicated. I think a lot of females can relate to me there, but I’m not so sure about guys.

I remember my first “real” boyfriend, back in 8th grade, getting jealous. He was your typical, roguish, hotheaded, Italian guy who liked to get into fights. He was tall, muscular and looked way older than his 14 years. He was even sporting a bit of facial hair, which led my mother to think I was lying when I told her we were in the same grade at school. She was sure I was running off with an 18 year old, lol.

He was very much the stereotypical “bad boy”. I swear he totally dressed the part too, wife beaters, leather jacket, the whole 9 yards. His mom was a stripper.

We never had sex, though we tried. We were both still virgins and couldn’t quite get there so the most he ever got out of me was a hand job. Getting to see his cum spurt out for the first time was fascinating to me but that’s as far as we actually went.

Anyway, he was extremely possessive. He loved kissing me publicly in front of people and I was still a bit shy but went along with it. We got in trouble constantly at school for PDA. He’d get mad at other guys for looking my direction and once threw a desk over in class arguing with another boy over me.

I wasn’t even there but I heard about the incident later from friends who were in that class and was eventually called down to the Vice Principal’s office to discuss things as a “couple”. The Vice Principal was so sure that our relationship wasn’t going to last that he promised to personally take us out to a steak dinner if we could manage to date the rest of the year without breaking up. Yeah, he won that one, lol. I got sick with the flu for 3 days and couldn’t make it to school so he “cheated” on me with another girl and started dating her instead.

That being my first “real” breakup, I was pretty upset, and even cried, but it never occurred to me to blame the other girl. Well, it never occurred to me until I went back to school and my girlfriends were talking trash on her. Before that I was pretty sure it was all HIS fault.

I was sad and hurt and hadn’t really concerned myself with WHO the other girl was, but my female friends were on it. They mocked, snubbed, and played all sorts of emotional revenge games on the girl who “stole” my boyfriend. Of course they were trying to protect and “help” me, so I didn’t try to stop them and eventually came to see her as the enemy as well. I’m pretty sure she got branded as a “slut” around school due to that incident.

She and I never became friends but I went on to date (and have sex with) his best friend and HE proceeded to date all my girlfriends, one by one (yeah those same ones, but it didn’t bother me because, well, they were my FRIENDS, you know). It’s funny how behaviors are accepted when they come from people we know versus those we don’t. I’ve learned all too well how it feels to be on the other side of the coin since then, and to have all kinds of haters who know nothing about me, save the possibility that I have had sex with a guy they like. Of course no one demands evidence in cases like that.

Gosh, come to think of it I’ve been the recipient of female jealousy and hating A LOT when it was undeserved. I’ve been accused of things and sleeping with guys I never touched and even been threatened with a baseball bat and had a carful of much bigger, older girls try to jump me. The guy I was with had to step between me and them and physically ward them off.

In any case, women can be extremely jealous at times. Sad to say I eventually got there myself, and to a point I’m almost ashamed to admit. It took me a long time though. Many years of dating, having sex and being cheated on, and of being the person who was the target of all the jealousy and rage passed before I really started to understand how they were feeling.

I’d actually trace back the development of jealousy in my mind to one particular guy. HE was extremely jealous himself, to the point that it was just ridiculous. Any time a guy so much as looked at me, or stood too close, he would threaten them with their life, and people were scared of him because of who he was and his reputation in the community. That’s what I got for dating a guy who was a well known drug dealer in the area. Even the cops feared him.

Anyway, he cheated on me right and left. Any time I would turn my back he would be hitting on another girl, and I mean that literally. If we were out in public and I stepped aside for a minute to use the restroom or to walk across the room for any reason, he would be trying to get someone else’s number. He tried to hit on my close friends, on EVERYONE. It really messed with me emotionally. I couldn’t trust him at ALL. It made me question whether or not I could trust my own friends. He once went over to my best friend at the time’s house and caused she and I to get into an actual fist fight.

You might wonder WHY I stayed with this guy, but every time I tried to break up with him (and that was often) he would passionately fight to keep the relationship. He claimed to be madly in love with me. He’d apologize, he’d lie, he’d give me expensive gold jewelry and beg me to stay, even threatening suicide if I left him.

Then he’d say I COULDN’T break up with him even if I tried, that he wouldn’t LET me. He’d declare to everyone everywhere that I was “his” girl and that no one had better come near me. I once had a guy I didn’t even know, at a party, tell me not to stand too close to him because he didn’t want to die. SMH. It got to the point where he would literally stalk me after I’d attempted to break up with him. He’d even have his friends “looking out” for me and messing things up for me if I tried to talk to other guys at the club when I went out (never mind that I was actually sleeping with some of those friends during our “breakups”, they still put on a front of helping him out). They’d go up to whatever guy I was talking to and tell him I had a boyfriend whilst looking intimidating. Gee thanks guys. :p

Of course I was also emotionally involved at that point and did a few crazy things myself! He once walked out of a house party on me with another girl and I flipped. The guys working the door restrained me from going out after them and wouldn’t let me leave but I found her car in a parking lot later and smashed it up in a drunken rage. Some of the things I did that night aren’t even repeatable, but let me tell you it’s not stuff I am proud of and there were other incidents.

There’s so much more to that volatile relationship and thankfully I’ve never had another like it before or after, but I did really struggle with jealousy afterwards. It became difficult to trust guys for even little things because I’d spent a year and a half on and off with this guy who put me through the emotional wringer.

When I went away to college (and old dude was safely away in prison, finally, on drug charges and terroristic threat of a police officer) I tried to date a completely opposite type of guy. I had some insecurities and paranoia about being cheated on by that point. Even then, one of the first guys I was with and I were sitting watching the movie “Basic Instinct” with Sharon Stone in someone’s parents lake house and I remember him commenting that his old girlfriend had gotten angry with him for watching the sex scene in that movie. I was totally bewildered. Why would she be upset about actors on a screen?

I didn’t find out the answer to that question until I dated my ex-husband. I saw him as this upstanding guy who would “never” think of cheating yet I became that woman I never wanted to be, the Jealous Bitch. I wonder now if my insecurities weren’t amplified by the fact that he really WASN’T that attracted to me but I was sooo paranoid! I was positive, every time he so much as LOOKED at another woman that he was plotting to leave me. Pictures in a magazine became a very real seeming threat to me, due to his self -proclaimed “porn addiction”. Even watching a movie I was concerned about who he was looking at. Now I knew what it was like to be that girlfriend who worried while watching a sensual movie. Every time another woman so much as talked to him or stood too close, I was filled with fear. It was bad. Really bad. Yet, years later I look back on some of those incidents and wonder if my intuition wasn’t telling me something about him that I didn’t want to admit. The man was NOT really into me, it was a front, but he asked me to marry him anyway.

Anyhow, I like to think I am long over it. I have come SUCH a long way and got so much better at not being jealous as my marriage wore on. Some of it though, was due to loss of feeling and a connection. Somehow now, I am managing to take part in an OPEN relationship but I can’t say I never worry. Still if the Professor sits there and tells me he thinks some naked woman on the swinger site is “hot” I am relatively unaffected. Yay!

I kinda wonder about him though, lol. Last night we were watching Criminal Minds and he was surprised that I knew Shemar Moore’s last name. Well yeah, lmao, he’s pretty damn good looking!! Especially, when you compare him to the entire rest of the cast, lol, it’s like DAMN HE IS HOT, haha. He finally admitted that if he had to comment on a guy that he agrees with that one. Mmmm….yeah….as I was saying….

So how about you? How has jealousy or not affected your life? Do you struggle with it? Is your relationship closed or open? I think it’s a very real emotion and something we all have to deal with and face at some point in our life.

On being a slut

So I’ve been called a slut before. Big deal, right? I like sex. Apparently that’s a bad thing for a woman in our society, no matter how much we are told otherwise.

Honestly, I find the male attitude towards female sexuality rather puzzling and disturbing. I say the male attitude, because, let’s be real, when a woman calls another woman a “slut” it’s usually code for “I hate that stupid bitch” for whatever reason, or “stay away from my man”. That’s it. Women don’t really care how many people you’ve slept with if they consider you a FRIEND or feel neutral towards you as a person. It’s only if you are an arch enemy or a sexual threat that it becomes a concern. Movie stars are only sluts if your boyfriend is attracted to them or you just don’t like them in general to begin with.

So if a woman calls me a slut I know she either hates my guts or is afraid I’m after her guy. Ok, no big deal and I’m either going to roll my eyes or smirk upon hearing her declaration. Yawn. Unless she’s trying to start a fight, in which case, well, I’m too old for that shit, lol, please. I know she’s only jealous.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about MEN, and their reason for using this terminology. From men, being called a “slut” has a completely different connotation. Men are actually CONCERNED with the number of guys you have slept with. Like, for real. WTF right?

How is this even relevant? Does sleeping with 1 person, or 10 people, or 50, or 100 REALLY make a difference in what kind of person you are, how likely you are to cheat, or what your specific relationship to THAT guy is going to be? I don’t think so!

I don’t care how many clueless guys keep posting statuses on how “you can’t make a ho a housewife” on their Facebook wall, it’s simply not a theory that is grounded in reality. Now, I will agree that you can’t MAKE her be one, but if she chooses, of her own free will, to be a monogamous housewife, her past is IRRELEVANT. A woman who has only fucked a few people in her past is JUST as capable of cheating on you as one who went wild and crazy with it and did the whole damn town. Maybe even less so, hey, she’s sown her wild oats already, JUST LIKE YOU. So often these sentiments come straight from the mouths of men who’ve been around the block a few hundred times themselves.

In any case, men will think of you as a slut or not regarding the sheer number of people you’ve slept with and what you have done. Of course their viewpoint widely varies according to their own experience level, but generally they want you to have slept with fewer people than they themselves have. EYEROLL. Like, if he’s been with 50 people and you’ve done 15, you are probably okay, but don’t you dare say 51, if you want to have any kind of relationship. It’s pertinent you find out his number FIRST so you don’t say something stupid.

Are there more open minded guys out there? Of course but guaranteed it STILL bugs him if your number is higher than his. This is why I refuse to even discuss numbers anymore with a guy.

Now don’t get me wrong, most guys will be more than happy to sleep with you if they perceive you as a “slut”. In fact, this will turn them on even more but if you are looking for commitment and a real relationship it seems to be better to play the role of the reluctant and demure maiden.

I find this Madonna/whore complex simply MADDENING. It’s absurd! Comments like “I wouldn’t want her to kiss my children with that mouth” are a dime a dozen out there. In fact, I’ve gotten little “lectures” from guys on dating sites where I checked “casual sex” as one of the options. Men telling me that I shouldn’t be asking for casual sex. Seriously. Thanks dude, for all your “concern”, but I happen to LIKE it.

Do you ever hear any such thing from women? Do we perceive a man who has been sleeping with different girls as worthless? Hardly. Sure, women will sometimes “complain” about it but often set out to be the one who finally tames the beast. Men insist on looking at a “slut” as damaged goods. Somehow, sexual experience takes away your ability to be good relationship material. That in itself seems so off. A person who has slept around has MORE relationship experience to fall back on. Granted that sometimes comes with baggage, but the same is true for men and ONE bad relationship can leave a person with enough baggage to bog down their life if they don’t learn to let it go.

So anyway, if you are polyamorous or a swinger or running around in more enlightened sexual circles this shouldn’t be a problem right? You wouldn’t think so, but I STILL come across it! Take the other night with the Professor. We got into talking about a couple of past sexual experiences. Among his was a time when he slept with three women at once. He told me the story in detail. Still, when I started to talk about my own experiences he told me that was “TMI”. ::: blink, blink ::: He didn’t want to know!

He also has chastised me for meeting men off Craigslist. Apparently this is somehow more slutty than meeting HIM off of a swinger site. Um, okay? Oh, and when I was considering a threesome with my fuck buddy and another guy and mentioned it to him he made sure to tell me he would NEVER include me in such a thing. This is from a guy who has threesomes with men and their wives regularly. I’m soooo confused!! Why is it any worse for me? I could understand him feeling jealous at the thought of me with two other men when he wasn’t there, and that is one of the reasons I kind of backed down from the idea, but to learn that he would never want to see me in that position with him and another guy was kind of eye opening.

The Professor is also always trying to make like my relationship with my fuck buddy is based on the guy treating me like crap. He can’t wrap his head around the fact that I am equally as interested in a no strings attached thing as the guy. No really, I don’t WANT it to turn emotional. I am perfectly happy with our fuck and leave arrangement. It’s like he just can’t believe that women also sometimes can benefit from that. I am a very emotional person, with SOME people, but I reserve that for those that I care about on a different level. You would think knowing that I am less attached to the other guy than him would help him feel better about things but it actually seems to bug him more.

It’s not just him either!! The Love of My Life found out some things I had done in the past, like 15 years ago, from one of his brothers and was upset by it. Really? When you were THERE back then, know I was no angel and doing just as crazy stuff as me? Come on now!

The other thing that drives me nuts is when men say “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets”. No, you don’t! Quit lying!! Y’all are full of shit!! LOL The minute YOUR “lady” gets too freaky you FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Just sayin….

Ladies, I know you all know what I’m talking about because SO OFTEN when I have tried to do something more freaky with a guy I am in a relationship with or been too aggressive about seeking out sex, they put me back in my place. They may have SAID they want you to initiate things or whatever but the minute you actually TRY this you get a comment like “what are you doing?” Um….nothing….really….nevermind….Im just gonna lay here and let you decide when you want to have sex, lol. SORRY. Being a sexual pursuer as a female just doesn’t go over like it does in the movies. Men don’t like it!!

What absolutely kills me is that men seem to want women they like to appear totally virginal, even when they KNOW damn well you aren’t! Like the guy I met on AFF (ADULT Friend Finder is a sex site, for those who don’t already know) who, after drinks and being invited back to my house and making out with me on the couch, asked me if I was “really okay” with him touching my boobs and if it wasn’t “going too fast”. Like, really dude? Are we in middle school? I don’t even remember anyone saying stuff like that to me back then! Haha….

Oh, and then there was the guy off the swinger site. He’d driven 4 hours to meet me. We’d had dinner and gone back to his hotel room. I’d brought a bag to stay overnight. We’d been talking about sexual stuff for over an hour. I went into the bathroom and changed into my sexy lingerie and walked out into the bedroom area. He came over onto the bed and we were making out. Then he stops to ask me if I was “really okay” with this. I said yes. So he asks me AGAIN, TWICE, if I was “really sure” I wanted to have sex. Um, do I LOOK like I want to have sex? Then he was like “you seem nervous”. Um, no dude, YOU are nervous, lol. GAH!! I swear at that point I was about ready to tell him no, just forget it and drive me home. By the third time I was seriously wondering if he actually wanted to have sex with ME and if he was somehow not into the way I looked in my lingerie. Was there something wrong with my body? Did he not want to fuck? What the hell? LOL

I guess he wanted me to play more innocent than I actually am. That seems to be the case with men in general, really. Play dumb, play innocent, this works and makes them happy, and they wonder why women are “hard to get”? Well, duh, because GUYS have been telling us for ages that we shouldn’t be too quick to sleep with you. Pick up almost any relationship book written from a man’s viewpoint and he’s telling you if you want respect you need to wait until you’ve been dating for awhile to have sex and blah, blah, blah. Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

Pssshhhh….quit complaining guys, you dug your own hole. We know damn well if we throw ourselves at you or let you know just how fun all of our previous sexual exploits were, you’ll never consider us for a relationship. And that’s what every woman WANTS, deep down, I don’t care how “slutty” she is, she wants to develop REAL RELATIONSHIPS, not JUST sexual ones (though occasional flings or NSA things are fine). So we learn how to put up a front, for your benefit. If you don’t want that then stop asking for it. Don’t shame her when she tells you about her past and let her be herself. Don’t use the number of guys she’s been with or amount of things she has done as your ruler and measuring stick to what kind of person she’ll be. There are great women who’ve had a lot of sex and total bitches who’ve done the same thing. The same can be said of virgins! Sexual experience does not define character. I’m starting to sound like Bill Clinton, ha.

Seriously though, sluttiness isn’t always a bad thing. You may miss out on a great girl because you rated her sexuality as being negative. Fear of female sexuality is why you might not be getting any right now.

While I’m at it, stop assuming that every female who sleeps around HAS to want to sleep around with every guy she meets. A woman who likes sex doesn’t have to be indiscriminate about it. Most times, we AREN’T. We still don’t want to fuck most guys and are still going to be picky. Deal with it. Because she fucked some guys you know doesn’t mean you have a hall pass to fuck her too. It’s not necessarily going to happen. Likewise just because she is “slutty” doesn’t mean she wants to do every sexual act that you do. Maybe she sleeps with a lot of guys, but still hates anal. You might have better luck with that girl who has only been with 2 guys before in her life. You just NEVER know about people.

Again, lots of sex doesn’t equal all your fantasies come true. People are individuals, treat them as so. Quit painting women as Madonnas or whores. The best of us are a bit of both. I’ve been the housewife and the ho. They really can be mutually exclusive. The question is can you be the bad boy that is also a nice guy? Cause that’s what I want, dammit! 😉

USED…for phone sex, once again

I’ve been used for phone sex, more than once, by random strangers. There was the guy who I met on Plenty of Fish. He was funny over email and good looking. I thought I’d like him and we were supposed to go out on a date that night. Instead, he called me from an anonymous number, which he said was his hotel room. Also, his phone had overheated in the sun and then been dropped in a toilet, or something like that. He proceeded to ask me questions about my favorite sexual positions. I couldn’t really answer, I told him, because I was holding a toddler and my kids were close by. That was okay, just answer yes or no. 😉

So I did, as he apparently was jacking off and getting very excited. He told me what a sexy voice I have. I know right? While I’m standing there giving blunt “yes” or “no” answers to questions like “do you like doggystyle?” and trying to attend to my fussy little one. I’m sure that was super hot, lol. Then suddenly, it was all over. Clearly he had cum. He said goodbye and hung up, never to be heard from again. So much for the date! I guess it wasn’t necessary now.

Then there was the 50 something guy I met at the grocery store. The one who wanted me to check and see if any of his eggs were cracked, and followed me out to my car, hounding for my number. He said I looked like “an angel”. He was actually pretty attractive for his age and I admired his ballsy approach so I gave it to him. Oops. Turns out he was more cracked than any egg in the basket. Total stalker material, but I managed to avoid giving him the actual location of my home when he asked. Anyhow, he would call me on the phone from DIFFERENT NUMBERS, constantly, so I couldn’t block him, wanting to “talk”, which actually meant listening to me try and deflect him while he got off. He’d try to get me to call him “master” and go on about all the things he was going to do to me. I’d be like “um, I have to go” and he’d say “wait, wait, not yet” and keep talking. Wow.

I’ve never really been big on phone sex. I mean, virtually always, the guy gets off first and then he is done, so what’s the point? Half the time I’m not even doing what they think I am. I’m totally just letting him play with himself while I listen. Usually, it’s just listen because he’s the one going on about what he’s gonna do to me, lol. So “oh yeah” and “mmmm” are sufficient answers for the guys I actually like, and “yes” and “no” apparently work too. Hell, I guess “look, dude, I can’t talk right now” is pretty hot as well, as far as some guys are concerned.

I don’t know that I have a particularly sexy voice, though I have been told I do. One guy, who worked the phone line for a hotel chain told me I should be a phone sex operator. I was trying to book a room so that I could attend a funeral. Seriously? Makes you wonder. Like, wonder if any female voice will do for a horny guy.

So today, the Love of My Life calls me up. I haven’t talked to him on the phone for a while so it was kind of a surprise. He’s lying in bed and not going to work today, he says. I start telling him how the police showed up at my door this morning with my 12 year old and his friend, in handcuffs. They were caught climbing in the back of a tree trimming truck. He expresses appropriate sympathy then starts talking about what he wants to do to me.

I’m not really participating but I guess it was enough. I could hear him stroking furiously in the background and got quiet. Pretty soon it was over and he says I should be careful because I could get caught by my kids. Caught doing what? LOL I was sitting on my bathroom floor, with the fan on, listening to him and that’s about it. I hadn’t claimed otherwise. Then he announces “well, I’d better go take a shower now honey, talk to you later”. LMAO Did the Love of My Life just stoop to the same level as random dude from Plenty of Fish? Hahahaha

I feel so used!! 😉 I’m just playing, really I think it’s kind of funny. I’ve tried to participate in phone sex sessions in the past but it’s just never done it for me, which I guess is odd because I LOVE the sound of a guy’s voice when we are having sex. I just want to be actually having sex.

Yes, sometimes distance can make the real thing an unreality for the moment, and talking on the phone (when I don’t have kids around) can be nice and even dabbling into a sexual conversation. I’m more likely to go and masturbate on my own afterwards than to actually be able to cum while talking to him though. Its hard for me to find the time to relax and get into it. Maybe that’s due to being a mom, but I never really liked phone sex that much when I was younger either.

So I guess I’m not a fun phone sex friend. Not that men seem to mind. Apparently we could be talking about politics, or the weather, or bills and they would get all hot. Cracks me up! Am I alone here? Ladies do you enjoy phone sex? Guys, what is the deal? Are the words “yes” and “no” really sufficient enough to fuel your fapping fantasies? SMH….

Confessions of a cheater

I never dreamed I would be a cheater. When I got married I planned to stay that way, for life. I was more worried that HE might be tempted to cheat than myself. After all, I “would never do that”. Plus I was marrying a man who was going into ministry, we were at church three times a week, both of us were Sunday school teachers, we were making a solid commitment to each other and it just wasn’t even an option. I looked down on people who cheated actually. Ouch. Sometimes life has a way of humbling us.

Prior to meeting the man who would become my husband I was actually pretty wild sexually. I had cheated a couple of times in my life already, but I thought I was beyond that now. Now that I’d become a Christian, now that I was older (well I was barely 21 when we married but I felt mature), now that I’d stopped drinking and smoking pot and running around with the wrong crowd, now I was ready to be serious, and that meant keeping my promises.

My ex- husband was never jealous. He never seemed concerned that I would be less than exemplary or consider cheating, which is really kind of amazing considering my background. I was actually a bit perturbed at his lack of jealousy, but because of my own determination I avoided anything that remotely gave the impression to any other men I might be interested. I barely even looked men in the eye when speaking to them, because I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea. I kept everything very platonic and avoided situations where I might be alone with another man.

I was actually the jealous one. I struggled with fears that he would see another woman and be tempted to cheat, exacerbated by his seeming lack of interest in me sexually. I’d also dated a guy in the past that cheated every chance he could get and who, the minute I’d turn my back would be hitting on my friends or getting the phone number of another woman. He’d actually gotten someone else pregnant while we were together, which caused us to finally breakup. He wasn’t the only one. I’d had no less than THREE previous boyfriends get someone pregnant while we were together. Nice. I’m not sure there is any worse way to end a relationship.

Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure EVERY guy I’d ever dated even somewhat seriously had cheated on me. Every. Single. One. Not a good track record at all. No wonder I couldn’t trust men very well. I’d also slept with guys who had girlfriends on more than one occasion. I’d watched one guy after another cheating on whoever they were with, whether it was with me or my girlfriends, and I never said a word. It had become “normal” in my life and expected. Granted I was running around with some very deviant folks, but nevertheless that was my reality. Once I’d even slept with an older man who I later found out was married. Oops. On my part though, I’d had no idea. Even then I took marriage more seriously.

So anyway, I went into my marriage with the expectation of it lasting forever, and high hopes that he would be the one guy who’d never cheat. I never dreamed that I’d be the one to break those vows. For the first 10 years of my marriage, despite the lack of sexual interaction and feeling rejected by my husband, I was faithful to a fault. My behavior was beyond reproach regarding the opposite sex. I didn’t even allow myself to flirt with other men. Then it all changed.

It was on Myspace that I came across the man who I later came to call The Love of My Life. He was an old friend from my teenage years, someone I had a little bit of a bond to, but back then we’d never been in love. We’d had sex a couple of times but for the most part we were friends. It was a friendship with sexual overtones but we were both so busy having sex with whoever back then that I don’t think it really mattered that we weren’t doing it very often with each other. I’d come to consider him more of a friend than a lover, though I can remember the summer before I left for college, his girlfriend befriending me out of probable fear that I would sleep with him. I’m sure it may have seemed that way but I respected their relationship and because she was nice to me didn’t allow it to go there during that time.

The first time we’d had sex was actually the first time I’d ever cheated on someone in my life. I was 15 years old and had a boyfriend of questionable morals. He’d actually come up with a hickey on his neck the day before but I gave his bullshit story the benefit of the doubt and was still attempting to be faithful.

A couple of boys I knew had picked me up in the middle of a rainstorm and taken me to their house where there were lots of guys and only a few females hanging out. It wasn’t really a party, but sort of. Even though I’d be staying the night I had no intention of sexual activity. Several of the guys tried to coerce me to no avail. “No, I have a boyfriend, I’m not cheating on him” was the refrain. Other people were having sex in different rooms, but not me.

Finally, the one who would later become the Love of My Life came over to me. He sat there and tried to convince me I should have sex with him for like FOUR HOURS. I looked into those beautiful brown eyes and told him no, over and over and over, but he was persistent. His charming ways and sensual demeanor eventually weakened my reserve. Besides, he’d always been a sweetheart to me at school and it was hard to resist.

Afterwards, I felt the need to be honest about my indiscretion, so I told the guy I was dating what had happened. He became insanely angry and picked me up by my throat, slamming me up against my garage door and nearly choking me to death. I was afraid for my life and he said “I ought to kill you”, but finally let go. I relayed this to the guy I had cheated with and my now EX boyfriend got taken care of. He was jumped at a party soon after and I avoided him from then on.

In any case the Love of My Life and I remained friends, only sleeping together a couple of times before I left for college, though I’d slept with and had relationships with some of his brothers. I’d watched him cheat on girlfriends, though he was slick about it and discreet. He’d seen me sleep around and once burst into laughter when I’d had sex with a guy on his bed and heard me joking with a girlfriend about it afterwards. As much sex as we were having, we were both the type to keep it on the down low and put on a proper front to most of the world. We both knew how to keep things secret from those who shouldn’t know. Once he’d even joined in a little mini gangbang with me and two of his brothers. Shhhhh….

Years later, I knew there was no way he was actually faithful to his wife. When he told me via email that things were “rocky” with her I knew it was a hint. Still, I wasn’t ready. I knew, deep down, that he would keep my secrets but I didn’t want to be a woman that cheated on my husband or messed up things with my family. So we messaged back and forth and got closer but it was still under the guise of “friendship”. I rationalized that this was okay, because he really was a friend from my past.

It took 8 months before we actually had sex. I was still clinging to the idea of friendship though he’d made no bones that he felt this relationship was developing into something more. He’d come on, I’d resist. It was like that first night all over again, but it took much longer.

When I was home visiting once we decided to go out for coffee. I brought my toddler with me and had every intention of keeping it “platonic”. I made him promise not to try anything on me beforehand and he agreed. The chemistry between us was electric but he held to his promise, only hugging me at the end and I’ll admit it was hard to let go.

The next time I was back home we met up again, this time at his house, in the middle of the night. He was in his pajamas and his wife was away on a business trip, his toddler was asleep on the living room floor. I’d snuck out to be with him. This had every possibility of turning into something more than friendly and we both knew it but I still didn’t want to believe I was capable of cheating on my husband. So we hung out, cuddling on the couch and eventually it turned into kisses. I couldn’t believe I was going there. He backed me up against the wall with obvious sexual intent and I panicked. I bolted out the door and called him on the phone. I couldn’t do this, it was wrong. I didn’t want to cheat and I couldn’t believe I’d let myself kiss him. I asked if he felt guilty and he said no.

He wasn’t angry with me for leaving and after that our emails got progressively more sexual. I didn’t have a cell phone back then and only had dial up so that was how we mostly communicated. He sent me a naughty video of himself and I was shocked, but liked it more than I want to admit, lol. We’d share fantasies and erotic stories with each other. By the next time we met I knew we’d be having sex. It was planned. I was fully on board with sleeping with him. Not to mention it was my 11th wedding anniversary and my husband didn’t want to do anything. As usual there was no sex. We were visiting my family and he’d gone to sleep when I snuck out of the house.

Here is a excerpt of something the Love of My Life wrote about that night:

I sat in my car in my silk pjs, waiting for her to arrive in a dark, empty, park parking lot. My heart thumped with every passing head light, in anticipation of it being her. Finally, after a few minutes… that seemed like hours, she arrived, like daybreak in a railway tunnel.

She stepped out of the van into the warm, breezy night air, wearing nothing but white, high heeled sandals, a light summer dress that ended just above the knees and a pretty smile. Yep she was all that, with a 5 foot 6 petite frame, long beautiful flowing hair and a smell so intoxicating that it instantly aroused me.

She took a few steps closer to me and wrapped her arms around me. We hugged one another body to body and the warm night air blew strands of her hair into my face. One kiss lead to another. The kisses were almost too much to handle because I could feel her body begin to tremble. Small moans left her lips and in no time I was running my tongue over her neck and between her breasts. She smelled so good!

I reached my hand under her dress and found her naked underneath, just like she had promised. Nothing was there except for bare ass… her soaking wet sex waiting for me. Everything seemed to be so intense… every kiss, every touch and every breath. For me things seem to be so much more intense when I know that I am not supposed to be doing something. We were definitely not supposed to be together that night. That evening was tested… but we made it happen.

While we embraced one another and as I explored her body at will, extremely bright lights interrupted our moment of passion. That’s right, Mr. Officer showed up. To make a long story short, we left on a quest to find a more private place.

After driving to the lake and running into the same officer, we settled at another park and another parking lot on the North side of town. We exited out of our vehicles and continued where we had left off. It did not matter if there were cars driving by and house lights still on, not to mention a bright streetlight illuminating the park… we wanted one another and we wanted one another bad!

The kissing started again and I pushed her against the car, hiking her dress up. I slowly and carefully slid inside her. With each touch, my lips took a breath…. Another kiss and another breath was taken until finally she was panting, trying to catch each breath that I had taken from her. Her erratic breathing sent me over the edge. I turned her around and thrust in her from behind, loving every moment of stolen pleasure. Wow!!! What sweet, sweet memories.

That was the start of a deepening relationship between he and I that has lasted for nearly 5 years, through my divorce and through many ups and downs. We became very emotionally attached to one another and he brought excitement to my life and a feeling of closeness that I was never able to get from my ex, who barely communicated with me. It took a long time before I confessed about the lack of sex and things going on in my marriage. He was there for me when I went through my divorce and without his support it would have been much more difficult.

I didn’t get caught or leave because of my affair. My marriage ended when my ex fell in love with another woman and decided his obsession with her was more important than our marriage. Strangely enough, he never had sex with her. Maybe it was just an excuse but he was willing to divorce over it whilst I had felt it necessary to hold things together for the sake of our children. I was actually relieved.

At the end my ex had said he could only be attracted to me if I would do things like sleep with other men and let him watch or know about it. If only he knew, but I never told. I never trusted him enough to open up that part of my life. I suspected he might turn it against me. He wanted me to have sex with others so he could view me as a “whore” instead of a “Madonna” and that would get him off. I wasn’t willing to share someone special with him or allow myself to be degraded.

So I held on to my secret and I’m glad I did. Still, I would rather not make commitments I can’t keep regarding fidelity and hence the lifestyle I live now, which is more open. I no longer judge cheaters though, because I understand where they are coming from. I’m learning that lesson over and over again “never say never” and you don’t truly know what you will do in a given situation until you’ve been there yourself.

The problem with porn

My ex- husband claimed he was addicted to porn. So addicted, that he lacked the desire to actually have sex with a flesh and blood female. That was his story. It’s hard to say how much of that was truth, but I do know that he, like virtually every other male on the face of the planet, had some sort of relationship with women in pictures and on a screen.

I have to admit I resented the voyeuristic tendencies of men very strongly during those years. I came to view pornography as my competition, as the evil force that was out to destroy my home and family. I was angry that I was being rejected due to my husband’s obsession with women who were really only portraying a fantasy, something I could never live up to. I felt like I was being cheated on. Like seriously, you’d rather do that than fuck me?

Now I’ve come to realize that he may have been simply using that as an excuse, to cover up possible homosexual tendencies. Perhaps it was porn that involved his dominatrix fantasies, which I discovered during the divorce. I really can’t say, because he never would own up to it or let me see what he was actually watching.

I know that he had gone to porn booths, which I knew nothing about beforehand and am still a little hazy on. Apparently that involves putting change into a video player in a booth and watching movies while you jack off. Relatively harmless sounding, to me, but I’ve since heard that people actually have anonymous sexual encounters there, sometimes involving other men. Oh, so that’s why it was such a big deal. Hmmm…. He’d even supposedly talked over his “problem” with our pastor and went to a special men’s group at the church where they discussed this very issue, because so many men in the church were “struggling” with porn problems.

It’s funny because when we were dating, and I was 18, before we’d gotten to the point where he “rededicated his life to Christ” and decided he couldn’t sleep with me anymore before marriage, I’d actually tried to get him to watch a porn movie WITH me. After all, at that time in my life I knew plenty of young men who watched porn and it had never occurred to me that it might be a “problem” that needed fixing.

I’d seen a few porn movies myself, with guys mostly, and with friends and never really thought too much about it. Actually, I mostly found them more entertaining than a turn on, but they were interesting. So I dragged the ex to the xxx video store (back before the internet was so mainstream). I was curious to find something we could watch as a couple and was sadly disappointed that the whole place was filled with movies that only seemed interesting to men. I mean there were a few video covers with attractive guys on the front, but those were the gay ones. I asked the guy behind the counter for help and he pointed us in the general direction of some videos made for couples. My ex- husband looked like he wanted to crawl through the floor. He later said watching porn just wasn’t something you did with another person. Huh?

Anyway, with an odd seeming sense of trepidation, he picked out the movie. We went back home to watch it. WOW. It was horrible. SO bad that I was practically rolling on the floor laughing the entire time. This really unattractive, old, balding, fat man who couldn’t get an erection was standing there talking and his beautiful, dolled up and in sexy lingerie “wife” was doing things to try and get him turned on. Then it turned to her whipping him and him crawling on the floor and kissing her feet and begging. OMG, it was pathetic and a huge turn OFF, at least for me. I now know that those type of things excited my ex- husband, but he was afraid to tell me about it, I guess.

We were a horrible sexual match, two people who would both prefer to be submissive in bed. Not cool. I guess I’d given him a different impression in the beginning because I was so forward with sexual things and used to a certain level of expectation. Like on our first date I automatically gave him a blow job, because that’s what every other guy seemed to want. It never crossed my mind that would be seen as aggressive, but him, being sexually much more inexperienced, probably saw it as so. It was only after the date (and we’d had sex too, me climbing on his lap in the car because, well, I was horny and that’s just what you did, right?) that I realized he saw my actions as slutty and I started to backtrack and freak out, trying to portray a more ladylike image. I can kind of see why he mistook me as more dominant than I really am.

So back to porn. He claimed he rarely watched it but that it was still an addiction. I don’t get it, but that’s okay. As for me, I’ve not watched a lot of porn either. Mainly I think it’s because I’m not really a voyeur. I just don’t get that turned on by watching a dick going in and out and in and out repeatedly from the viewpoints and angles you see in porn. Whoop de do. :p Plus it’s just funny to me, the plotlines are so ridiculous and back then the skinny, hairy guys just weren’t sexy to me at all. And what is with all the attractive women and totally UNattractive men? Come on now.

I remember the first “real” porn movie I ever watched. It was called Tabu III and I watched it at a guy’s house with a bunch of other teenagers. My girlfriend and I were cracking up at the stupidity of the comments “but, you’re my mother” (OMG!!!). We laughed so hard through the whole thing, I can’t imagine it actually getting me wet. There was a lesbian scene somewhere that kinda excited me but that was about it. Wash, dry, rinse and repeat with just about every porn movie I saw back then. The soft porn was just too boring and the harder stuff was mostly funny. I did see a threesome scene with two guys and a woman standing on a roadside somewhere that I kinda liked though. 😉

Now I had seen stuff when I was younger, but it was mostly involving naked women. A friend’s dad had a playboy centerfold photo up in his garage and piles of magazines so I’d seen those, but not particularly of interest to me other than just basic curiosity. I’d also seen some sort of Showtime movie involving two women in a steam room making out naked, that was kind of hot, but most porn just really didn’t impress me. I once purchased a Playgirl, just to see what it was like but again, it only made me laugh. Some naked guy I don’t know posing is kind of funny and their idea of attractive doesn’t really jive with mine.

I guess I’m a typical female in that I’d rather READ a steamy, sexy story than watch it on the screen. That way I can fill in the pictures with my imagination. I wonder if that is because so much porn caters to men and I just haven’t seen much that would turn me on. I’m not into ugly guys fucking attractive women and never going down on them. That seems to be like 85% of the porn out there. The emotional coldness, the obvious faked orgasms (a lot of women in porn don’t even bother to fake it), the bored or “God, would you just hurry up already so I can get paid” looks on the females’ faces, it just doesn’t do anything for me.

I don’t know though, I once watched some online webcam videos of real couples having sex, with a guy friend of mine. That was incredibly boring to me too. Like one couple the woman was sitting on top of the man and spent what seemed like ages just running her nails up and down his chest. I could barely sit through it and wanted to fast forward to the “good part” just like I would have to with a regular porn movie most of the time. The same positions for a long time too, just not worth watching. I don’t get all that excited seeing people have sex in real life either, like at the swinger parties. Maybe I just need to participate. And I do kind of like being watched! 😉

Don’t get me wrong. I love to read and have written a few erotic stories of my own and I love to watch myself and guys I am into on video. I’m over the “porn is evil” mindset because it’s obvious to me that it only becomes an “issue” when you make it one. I also like to find out what kind of porn the guys I like are into because it gives me an idea about them and what they are secretly fantasizing about, and I can capitalize on that! 😉 I just hope they aren’t secretly into something I can’t provide. If they’re hoping for anal with Asian women, midgets and whip wielding dominatrixes, I’m not gonna be able to cut it, lol. It’s good to know that though, so you at least realize it’s not you, it’s him. Of course I fantasize about some things I’d never actually do, so we can’t assume every porn dream is a desired reality either.

The Love of My Life once sent me an entire file full of porn and didn’t explain why. I asked but he didn’t respond. Okay, he must want me to watch some of this? So I did and was pleasantly surprised that it was mostly amateur stuff and the women all looked very different from one another. I have to say though that one particular video may have scarred me for life. It was of a gigantic woman with a big, hairy bush. Her ass was completely covered with pimples and she was just butt booty ugly (sorry, its true!). So the guy kept oiling her ass over and over and having her wiggle and jiggle it for the camera. Boy, that was exciting. Or not. Hahaha Then he fucked her but it was just….yucky. Another one had a girl with big boobs jumping up and down on a bed for a long time naked. Okay. It seemed like some of the fucking scenes took forever to get to and I had to fastforward through all the boring “foreplay”. Most of it involved a woman sucking the guy’s dick and then sex, but she didn’t get any licking. Boooooo!! Selfish, selfish, men, who of course had to end by cumming on her face or some other act that was meant to appear degrading. Or the women would act terrified due to a guy with a gigantic dick. Snort…

He later told me he had done computer work for the porn company and that he’d only watched the first 20 seconds or so of each video because of it and was laughing at the way the people had gotten some of the women to participate. Mmmmmkay…. Well, I guess they got paid anyway, let’s hope.

I was once at the Professor’s house and he was showing me pictures he’d taken at a relative’s wedding ceremony when a site he’d been on accidentally popped up. Mature lesbian porn. So that’s what he apparently watches. Hmmmmm…. interesting. He does tend to go for the older women.

So the other day I saw a porn video someone posted on a forum that I actually kind of liked. It was this one (please don’t click link if you are under 18).

http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=762251480

I’m loving how they look at each other and that she obviously enjoys it. You don’t see much of that in porn. She actually had some real orgasms too. Wow. She’s touching him and saying things that I sometimes say in the heat of the moment too so it seems more genuine. Nice. I showed it to the Professor and said this kind of reminds me of us. He agreed but said “yeah, but you cum way more than that,” which is true, especially with him, lol. That’s a relatively new development for me though. Until earlier this year, with the married man, I’d hardly cum during sex with a guy. Actually, it’s debatable if I’d ever at all, with anyone other than myself, and I’d had a fair amount of sex with a fair amount of people, some of whom were pretty darn good in bed. So it’s not all the guys fault, but that’s another topic, lol.

So what are your thoughts on porn? Do you like it? If so do you have a favorite type? Are you male or female?

The Politics of Polyamory

I am worried about the Professor. He tested as having high levels of PSA enzymes that could indicate the presence of prostate cancer. They will be doing a biopsy in a couple of weeks. I had no idea and he said he has been hurting too. 😦

I feel like I’ve been a selfish bitch. I’m over here getting annoyed because he says he’s tired and not sure if he wants sex when it could be because he’s in pain and maybe even has cancer. He’s HURTING. He says it doesn’t hurt all the time but I feel so bad. I just want to go over there and make it all better, to take away all his pain and worry.

I wish he’d have told me he was hurting but I guess that kind of thing is hard to talk about. Plus, he’s a man. Men tend to keep quiet about things and try to act tough. My dad didn’t tell anyone when he was suffering from cancer either. Then, when he died it seemed so sudden. My last conversation with him he had told me that he’d had some sort of radiation treatment and I asked why and he made it out like everything was fine. I was never able to talk to him again because he was in a near coma soon after that. He collapsed and was in excruciating pain for 3 days as his body shut down from the colon cancer. I couldn’t get to him because I didn’t have the thousands of dollars a plane ticket would have cost me and I can’t describe to you the panic and hysteria I felt at not being able to get out and see him in his last moments.

The Professor says they didn’t tell him he can’t have sex but that the medication he is currently taking may make it impossible to ejaculate, or if he does it could be very little. It also makes him really tired. He’s tired a lot anyway. He does have a busy work schedule but now I worry that maybe it’s because he has cancer.

I’ve been doing a little research online and the test they did has a reputation for a lot of false positives. I so hope the biopsy comes out okay. He said he’s actually had one before, a couple of years ago, and he was alright, but this time the levels were much higher. It’ll be a couple long excruciating weeks for him, waiting to get the test and then afterwards he’ll have some recovery time from the surgery, plus who knows what the results will be.

I’m so concerned for him. :s I had actually made a date for tonight with a new guy because I was irritated that the Professor told me that he wasn’t sure if he would be too tired to hang out and I thought it meant he was losing interest. That was before he’d told me about his doctor appointment. Now I feel awful for my attitude. I know he likes me, people really can be genuinely tired and I shouldn’t be so demanding.

Anyway, I cancelled my date. I can’t go out tonight knowing he’s at home hurting and stressed. It is hard for him when I sleep with other people and he’s not kept that any kind of secret, though he says he doesn’t want to stop me from doing so. He gets upset when I’m out with anyone else and I understand because I feel the same way. We both accept that the other is going to sleep with other people but it’s still difficult on the emotions sometimes.

When I say he gets upset, I don’t mean he is angry with me for doing so but that it makes him feel bad afterwards. He likes for me to tell him before I leave and after I am with someone so that he won’t text or try to get ahold of me during that time. He says that it would really bother him if I suddenly stopped texting and he’d start imagining that I was having sex with the other guy and it would be too much for him to take. We both have some insecurities and fears in that regard and I’m glad that we can talk about them and that he tells me how he feels.

Sometimes, after I’ve been with another guy he will ignore me for a bit while he sorts through his feelings. He says it makes him feel betrayed and angry, even though he knows it’s his own issue to deal with. I understand because I feel similarly when he’s with another woman. After a while though, we get back to normal.

For me, the sooner I can reconnect with him sexually after he’s been with someone else I start to feel better. He doesn’t like to sleep with me on the same day that I’ve been with another guy though or too soon afterwards. He’ll say he’s not ready. That part makes me feel bad. I hate to disappoint him or feel the disapproval of someone I like that much. He’s been quick to reassure me that it’s not actual disapproval, just his emotions, but it’s still hard for me to feel.

Gosh emotions mess up everything, don’t they? It’s like all the fun and games are so hard once you start FEELING for someone. He says it’s different when we are there together and playing with someone. In those instances I have felt better too because we were all having fun and included. Granted that has only happened early on in our relationship before I started to feel a little more attached. I hope I would still feel the same way.

In any case, I just couldn’t go through with the date, knowing he would be sitting at home feeling bad and unable to really do anything himself with the pain and being tired from meds. He may or may not want to spend time with me tonight, depending on how he feels. I hope he will though. I’ve assured him that I won’t pressure him for sex and he laughed. I could tell he was happy that I cancelled my date for him, even though he said I didn’t have to do that.

The guy I was gonna go out with was kind of full of himself anyway. He is a former track star, who traveled to 31 different countries running track professionally. Now he’s in the military and does electrical engineering. He’s got a great body and appears good looking from the photos but seems to think of himself like some sort of a rock star, lol. He’s told me that women just swarm him at the swinger parties. I don’t doubt that he is telling the truth but I’m sure it’s contributed to the narcissism. I suspect he may be a bit selfish in bed. When I asked what he wanted to do when he comes here and tried to hint at maybe getting drinks first he said we could just “hang out” and that I could give him a massage. Snort….

Still, I tentatively rescheduled for tomorrow. I just don’t know. The Professor and I are open and I don’t want to stop all outside involvements because that’s not the kind of relationship we have. He also has a married woman he is emotionally involved with and I know he will still be seeing her. I’m not going to cut out any of the people already involved in my life because that would be unfair to them. I’ve got two of them talking about next weekend already and need to decide what I’m gonna do there. Uggghh….sometimes polyamory stuff is hard. I don’t want to hurt him and what if he has cancer? How can I be off fucking other guys and not feel bad? :/

Comparing lovers

Do you compare lovers? Everyone says they don’t. I have a hard time believing that. I wish I could say I never compare mine, but that would be a lie. Still, by “compare,” I really mean “contrast”. I notice their differences, but no one is coming up short. It’s not a competition. Each person brings something unique to the table and plays a different role in my life. None of the men in my life would be replaceable by one of the others. One of them alone couldn’t possibly fulfill the needs that get met by having several.

Contrary to popular belief (by a lot of men anyway), I don’t grade the guys by dick size. I’m not breaking out my ruler deciding who is best due to the extra inch or two he’s packing below the belt. Yes, I do know who has the biggest cock, lol, and I do enjoy it, but that doesn’t define my relationship to him or the amount of pleasure I receive during sex. It’s actually my fuck buddy, the person I’m the least emotionally attached to. He’s a whopping almost 9 inches and it’s thick. I can barely fit my mouth around it without having to make a conscious effort not to scrape with my teeth. He’s good in bed too, and can make me cum, but there are others who do it even more so, with less to work with. I’m not disappointed with any of them either. I absolutely love the sex and relationship with each and every one, for different reasons.

All of the men I am involved with know I am sleeping with others. The Love of My Life is somewhat of an exception in that we have a bit of an unspoken don’t ask/don’t tell policy, but he knows. We’ve both found evidence of one another’s lovers, we just choose to play inside of our little fantasy bubble where no one else exists. Not a lot of people would understand, but that’s okay because it works for us and we are able to get emotional needs met that we might not otherwise.

Anyhow, because they know there are other men in my life, there is a certain level of sexual competition. I fully admit I rather enjoy this phenomenon, lol. 😉 It can range from entertaining to super- hot, depending on the comments they make and their attitudes. Thankfully I haven’t seen too many signs of hurt or insecurity because THAT would make me feel bad. Mostly its “concern” over whether or not the other guys are fucking me right, lmao. Does he make me cum? Why was it over so quickly? Is he as good at using his tongue?

Sometimes they even start making comments in bed. “I bet no one else does *this* huh?” “Whose pussy is this? Tell me it’s mine. What’s my name?” I love every minute of it, lol. I’m all for any kind of competition that urges men towards being even better in the sack. I’m more than happy to stroke their egos too. And mostly so far it’s been the man who is the best at something that asks me if the other guys are as good at it so I haven’t really had to lie. I’m not gonna be all “well this guy is better than you at xyz” though. Usually they don’t demand to know things that directly (maybe they are afraid of the answers) so I can be vague if need be. They all make me happy in one way or another and are good in bed or I wouldn’t keep them around!

I have noticed that if I embark on a new sexual experience and they hear about it then everyone wants to try it with me so have to watch out for that. Like once I went to the swinger parties with the Professor then all the guys were wanting to go to swinger parties with me. I haven’t gone with anyone else but my fuck buddy even rounded up a couple that we may end up playing with sometime. If I ever have a FMF threesome with any of them I’m really gonna have to keep my mouth shut or they will ALL definitely want to. Ack!

Anyway, I was pondering over what each one brings to my life and they are all valuable to me.

The Love of My Life gives things to me emotionally that I really need at this point in my life. He’s known me since we were young and he understands me better than anyone I know. He knows many of the skeletons in my closet on a first name basis and still loves me. He GETS me in a way I can’t even explain. He gets my jokes and understands automatically the best things to say most of the time. He doesn’t misread me like other people sometimes do.

We have very similar tastes in music, movies, books and things we like to do. So if he recommends something to me or vice versa you can usually guarantee I’m going to like it. We can talk and reminisce about things and people for hours and laugh and laugh like I would with my sisters and brothers or close girlfriends. He’s almost like family. Speaking of family, I’ve slept with several of his family members in the past and he doesn’t hold it against me at all. In fact I’m pretty sure he’d defend me to the end if anyone said something bad about me. Actually one of my relatives had a child with one of his so we are technically sort of kind of related now, though we weren’t growing up. In any case our families know each other.

That brings me to a big one- he’s super protective of me. I LOVE it. I feel totally safe with him and I know he’d be livid if anyone ever tried to hurt me. We can express love and romantic emotions with each other to our hearts content and never have to worry about it meaning the things it means to a lot of people (marriage, long term monogamy, whatever). We have had our roller coaster ups and downs but that’s not what I’m talking about here. We don’t talk like we used to but I know if I need him he will be there and I can be just like we’ve always been.

Best of all, the sex with him is just special to me. He’s good in bed and I’ve never had someone “make love” to me the way he does. He really knows how to literally, make me feel loved, in the bedroom.

The Professor is a newer development in my life. I REALLY like him! Now that the “Love of My Life” and I don’t communicate near as much as we used to he’s really kind of taken over the main spot in my little male harem. He’s really good to me. He’s straight up about telling the truth about things and being open, which I really appreciate. He’s INCREDIBLE in bed and the dynamic between us is just really, really good. He’s very “fatherly” towards me and I’m someone that definitely needs that. He lives close by and he is just really sweet. I’ve never really had a guy who is such a gentleman and buys me little gifts and does things for me and just goes out of his way the way he does. It really makes me feel great. He’s very reliable and doesn’t play games with my heart and I like that.

The Married Guy is just the best sex on the planet. Seriously. He is!! Technically, he is the best sex I have ever had. If you count in the emotional stuff there are other people that are almost as good but no one can fuck me quite like that. I am SOOO glad I met him, even if he’s incredibly flaky. I know he has a hard time finding time to get with me. He just recently called and wanted me to drive 4 hours to stay somewhere with him for a few days while he’s on a business trip. He offered to pay for my gas. I totally wish I had that option, but no idea who would watch my kids for that long. I so would love to though!!!

My FWB is a unique one. He is interesting and fun and will take me out on dates and do stuff with me more often than some of the others. Occasionally the Professor does and sometimes others but he is more into spending time together than most. We will watch movies or actually DO things other than have sex and he bought me a little something for Valentines day last year which was a nice surprise. He’s a little rougher in bed than some of the others but I LIKE that I’m getting that from somewhere. 😉 He’s also a master at giving out compliments, lol. He really knows how to make me feel like he appreciates my body. Like once he pulled me up in front of the full length mirror in my bedroom and proceeded to go on and on about the things he loved about my naked body in detail, all while touching and eventually fucking me in front of it. I was blushing hot but I loved it.

My fuck buddy is the perfect fuck buddy! He really is. He’s super cute too and has a really great body (and huge cock), lol. He doesn’t get emotional but he hugs and cuddles for the proper amount of time afterwards to make me happy and he is all about the sex. He may be the only one with a sex drive as high as mine. We sometimes go a couple times in a row right after each other and he’ll say things like he wishes he could fuck me every single day. I like that. LOL I walk in the door and we just go at it, right away. No beating around the bush here! Haha

So what it comes down to is that they are all special to me in one way or another. Its nice to remember that because they are all seeing other women as well and I have to keep in mind that I’m sure I hold my own special place to each of them, even if I don’t know what it is I bring to their lives. Comparing doesn’t have to be bad, now does it? 😉

Swinger party gone wrong

I’m almost embarrassed to write this. Really it was my own insecurities that ruined the night. But maybe you, dear readers, can glean something from my experience, so here goes.

This weekend I went to the third swinger party of my life. My original plans had actually been to meet with the Professor and a couple from out of town, but they cancelled on us at the last minute. The very last minute, like 5 minutes before I was due to leave out the door, they texted to inform us that they had found a single woman to play with and said that was what their first choice really was. Nice. Not really a huge deal, but annoying and didn’t get our night off to the best start.

So it was then that the Professor suggested attending a swinger party. He said that since we were already fixed up to go somewhere we might as well. The only problem, as I could see it, was that the party had a theme I wasn’t prepared to dress up for. It was a Goth/fetish night and I don’t own any clothes that fit that description.

I hemmed and hawed about what to wear and asked the Professor over text what he thought of one particular lingerie outfit he has seen parts of on me before. It’s not “Goth” but its shiny red with black lace and I would have to run by the store to get some new thigh highs. I could wear my black leather boots. He said not to worry about it. Don’t dress up, most people don’t dress up anyway. My feelings were kind of hurt that he didn’t seem excited about taking me in that outfit but I just said okay. When I called to tell the hosts we were coming the man I talked to said not to worry, he was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt because that’s “as Goth as he gets”. I actually love dressing up, and much prefer to be overdressed than underdressed for an occasion, so I was still a little worried because these were men, after all, and of course they weren’t likely to be wearing sexy clothing.

It was freezing cold outside so I finally settled on tight black leggings, my knee high, leather, high heeled, boots and a low cut, leopard print top. I threw on a chunky gold colored bracelet and some dangly earrings. Far from “Goth,” but it looked good on. Underneath I was wearing a red and black plaid bra with black lace and matching red and black lace panties. It was cold so I had to wear a coat.

The Professor picked me up and stopped by a drive thru to pick me up a salad for dinner. I thanked him and offered to pay for it but he declined, saying if I wanted to buy wine I could pay for that instead. He wouldn’t be drinking since he was driving and I was too embarrassed to admit I actually didn’t have enough money to buy a bottle of wine. So I claimed I thought it would be a good idea for me to try being sober for a change of pace. The other two parties we’d gone to I’d had fun but also been drinking. Not that alcohol, for me, is a bad thing. I don’t drink a whole lot and when I do I’m actually a super friendly drunk, not a problematic one.

We drove a little way out of town for the party and had good conversation but I was ever cognizant of the fact that he hadn’t greeted me with a kiss or any physical affection, like he usually does. When we found a parking spot and got out of his car he seemed a little distant. He asked if I needed help across the gravel and I didn’t because my shoes were high heeled, but comfortable. So he didn’t take my arm and seemed to be walking kind of fast ahead of me. Needing some kind of connection before walking into a situation where I knew there would be flirting and possibly sex with other people, I stopped him, and mentioned that he hadn’t kissed me yet. He said “oh, sorry, I forgot” and gave me a quick peck, before opening the door. My heart started to sink with disappointment and my nervousness was amplified as we walked in.

Sitting at the sign in table were three enormous women in, you guessed it, red and black lingerie. Dammit, I should have worn mine! I would have fit right in. Already I feel out of place. They flirted with the Professor as he paid and completely ignored me.

He has told me before that the wife of the host couple for the parties likes him, but she’s very overweight and he’s not attracted to that. I should probably mention that he has been in “the Lifestyle” for a couple of years and knows a lot of people in this area. I know almost no one. He’s very sociable and I know he’s slept with a lot of married women, but I don’t know which ones, except when he tells me. This makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes when he introduces me to people because I don’t know his relationship to them and if they are people he has been fucking or not. I’m not sure what the women are thinking when they see me with him. People are used to him coming alone. However, this particular party is for couples and single females. Single males aren’t even allowed. It has a reputation for being a bit cliquish. He’s told me so and I observed this at the last party we went to.

Anyway, we walk over to the drink table and fill our cups up with ice and Dr. Pepper. The male half of the host couple comes over to flirt and mentions that the Sybian machine hasn’t been set up yet but will be soon. He tells the Professor how beautiful I look and says he has something even better than the Sybian if we are interested. He sticks his finger under his tongue and wags his tongue at me then hollers over to his wife “honey, which is better, the Sybian or this”? She rolls her eyes and points at his tongue. “THAT”. He is being touchy and flirty with me and tells the Professor he must have “forgotten something outside” and acts as though he is going to pull me away. The Professor laughs and the man asks again what my name is. The Professor says a name that he has called me by accident on more than one occasion. It’s very close to my own and he claims there is a woman he has worked with for several years who is named that and it gets confusing to him. This rubs me the wrong way but I don’t say anything until the man walks away. “My name isn’t ____”, I say, half- jokingly, but not really. He laughingly apologizes.

A moment later, a young couple that apparently knows the Professor walks up to us and starts to chat with him. The woman is wearing nothing but a pair of panties and a tight half shirt. Her panties said something on the back and she turned to show the Professor while her husband encouraged him to smack her on the ass. I have no idea if these are people he has had threesomes with before or not. After slapping her ass she turns around and flashes her gigantic boobs at him and another couple that is now standing there. He finally looks over at me and introduces me to them. He laughs and tells the woman “I keep forgetting her name”. I don’t find this the least bit funny. In fact it’s pretty humiliating for him to say that to a woman he’s just been flirting with and touching all over. I’m polite but inside I’m feeling sick.

We make our way across the room to an area where there is a man whipping people with various instruments on some sort of special chair. I’m watching with interest but definitely not turned on by it at all. It’s very weird to me because the people are requesting what they want to be smacked with and the man later told me he continuously asks them questions about whether or not it’s too hard and makes sure they are comfortable. He gets paid 100 dollars an hour to do this in people’s homes, for both men and women. Crazy. I guess in my mind if I were going to participate in something like that it would have to seem more “real” and less staged. Not that I am into a lot of pain anyway, but I do like spankings, just not in the way he was administering them. He was kind of dancing around and slapping them on the back with the whips and doing something with a violet wand that shocks people.

Meanwhile another woman comes up to chat and she is very friendly and sweet. I like her immediately but not in a sexual way. She’s in her early 50’s and is being flirty with the Professor. She asks what our screen name is on the swinger site, assuming we are a couple. The Professor quickly sets her straight with “oh, we aren’t actually a couple” and tells her his. I’m polite again and flirt with him and tease a bit about his screen name to the lady but inside I feel myself tense with embarrassment that he seems so quick to brush me off again and am starting to wish I’d never come there with him.

We make our way back across to the other side of the party, checking out the empty sex swing room and some mattresses that no one is playing on yet. He seems to be walking fast, not taking my arm and really being “with” me like he has in the past. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination but I start to wonder if there is someone there he has slept with before that he doesn’t want to think he likes me too much or what. His attitude the whole night seems more distant towards me and I’m starting to feel pretty bad.

He announces that he is going to run to the restroom and get another drink. He asks where I am going to be and I say I don’t know as he leaves me standing alone in the middle of the empty dance floor and rushes off. I feel abandoned. I don’t know any of these people and this particular party is known for being a bit cliquish. There are no single men, just couples and a few extra women but many of the people don’t leave their little “groups” most of the night. I make my way over to a table on the side of the room near the refreshments and no one says a word to me as I sit down. I wonder, given his behavior tonight so far, if he is just trying to ditch me so he can talk to someone.

I watch out of the corner of my eye as he comes out of the restroom, fills up his drink and then glances in my direction. Sure enough he doesn’t walk over to me but instead heads for the Sybian room. In a flash of anger I get up and start walking in that direction. I can see his silhouette through the curtain and he is talking with a woman, touching and flirting. I get closer and hear him laughing. This is a woman I had seen earlier, dressed in a tight lingerie body suit, her ass completely hanging out in the open air. I’m sure this is why he left me. I lift open the curtain and it’s just him, the guy running the Sybian and her, from what I can see. I pause. “Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting” then turn on my heel and walk out.

“LOVERGIRL” I hear him shout as he comes after me. Now he gets my name right. I ignore him and keep walking. I just want to get away from him, anywhere. I try to get into a restroom but it’s locked so I zip across the room to another locked bathroom on the other side. My heart is racing. Someone finally opens the door and I lock myself inside. I wonder if I can stay in here the whole night. It’s freezing outside and I’m wearing a sleeveless top. I feel like crying but I don’t want to ruin my makeup so I stare at myself in the mirror, trying not to blink, my hands gripping the edge of the sink. I can’t help but notice that I actually look pretty good tonight. Why doesn’t he want to be with me? I feel awful.

Finally I get myself together enough to leave the restroom. I walk quickly back across the room to get my coat and hear the Professor again call out my name. I bang my shin into a chair but keep walking. Throwing on my coat I walk past again and out the door, the Professor on my heels. He follows me out to the hotel across the other side of the parking lot. He’s not wearing a coat and stands there trying to talk to me. I ask for my phone, which he has in his pocket but he won’t give it to me. He swears up and down that he wasn’t flirting with that woman and tells me I can even go ask her husband, who was supposedly sitting in the corner, a hugely overweight man, that I somehow had managed to miss. I tell him I don’t care if he was flirting, that’s the point of being there but I don’t appreciate being ditched for someone. He keeps acting as though I’m upset about flirting and says how he flirts with everyone. No, the point is that you LEFT me to do it.

Everything comes out. Forgetting my name, embarrassing me in front of other women by laughing about “forgetting” it even though we’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together for 3 months, saying we are not a couple and worst of all ditching me in the middle of a place where I don’t know anyone so he could go talk to someone else. He swears up and down he didn’t mean anything by it and that the only reason he went in the Sybian room was to look for me. He claims he couldn’t find me among the crowd. I find that hard to believe. I’m not very hard to spot, sitting alone to the side of the room that was full of couples.

He gets upset “do you really think I would do something like that to you?? What kind of person do you think I am?” He’s shivering in the cold with no coat and he still won’t give me my phone. He apologizes for forgetting my name but says none of the other stuff was wrong and I shouldn’t be upset. I say I just want my phone. I don’t want to go back in there. He can have fun if he wants I don’t want to stay. He drove me there but I’m thinking of calling someone or a taxi or maybe just hanging out at the hotel until it’s over. I am on a downward spiral emotionally and it’s not going to get any better when I feel like this. I say maybe he can take me home and come back. He says he’s not going to do that.

He kisses me and takes my arm, pulling me close. “Come on”. I say I really don’t want to go back in there but reluctantly agree, asking for my phone. This time I put it in my coat pocket. He makes sure to stay by my side from that point on but I’m still in a bad mood that I can’t seem to lift myself out of.

We talk to some other near naked women. A young blonde girl, who is maybe in her very early 20’s, has obviously no kids and a near perfect figure, standing there in only a pair of panties, comes up and starts talking to the Professor and I. Well, mostly him. She’s asking about his work and coaching. Her blonde, somewhat attractive husband comes up to flirt with me. He can’t believe I’ve had children he says turning me around to look at my ass. I’m not really into it though. I’m still feeling off kilter and he finally backs down, saying I seem a bit uncomfortable. Meanwhile another female in her early 20’s is rubbing on this girl from the back. The blonde girl steps aside to talk to me and says she has never full couple swapped, only played with other women. She’s nice but I’m still not feeling very secure and we move on.

Someone is on the sex swing. It’s a man, and his wife is giving him a blow job. We watch for a minute then head over by an orgy that is happening on mattresses on the floor. The Professor knows these people, at least some of them. He says he’s been to house parties with them in the past. A guy who is fucking a woman on one side of the bed calls over to the Professor and asks him if he’d like to be next. “Yes, come on” invites the woman, motioning towards her pussy, then glances at me “will she mind?” The professor looks at me. “Do whatever you want” I say. He doesn’t believe me. He later said my body language belied me. True I was pulling away. I didn’t want to stand there and watch him fuck people while I looked like an idiot on the sidelines. No one was asking me to join but another woman soon was on top of her face. I also needed to use the restroom after drinking all that pop. I told him to go ahead if he wants to, I was going to use the restroom. After managing to get past the DJ, who was trying to flirt with me, I walked away.

On my way back out the Professor stopped me. I asked why he didn’t join in and he said “you really didn’t want me to”. I said you can do whatever you want to but he said he told them not this time. I asked if he would have done it if I weren’t there and he says maybe, but maybe not. He was tired and not especially attracted to the woman. He says he might have “taken one for the team” though. I said I don’t want to be his “ball and chain” and he told me to stop it.

He leaned against a table and pulled me up to kiss him. He asked if there was anyone there I wanted to play with tonight. Not really. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Then a woman that he knows walked by and he stopped her, making some sort of joke. Her husband came up soon after and started talking with us, as well as a man who I had sex with once before in an after party orgy. Once the professor got talking to the guy who had been in our previous orgy the woman looked over at me and said cattily “well, you are a lot prettier than he SAID you were”. My face fell and her husband was watching but the Professor didn’t hear. She flicked her hair and turned the other way, refusing to look at me while her husband attempted to make up for it by repeatedly telling me how beautiful I am and how they like to tease.

The Professor only saw the behavior of the husband, who turned to him and apologized, again saying I was really beautiful. I felt myself growing more and more upset. Would the Professor really say something like that about me or was she just being a bitch? I finally asked him, did you really say that? “Say what?” and I told him of her comment. He said “NO, of course not, I’ve never told them anything about how you look.” Later he told me he’d previously turned down that couple when he and I were together because he told them he was spending the evening with me instead. He says he hasn’t slept with her but they’d asked him a couple of times. I guess she was jealous but it was not a good end to my already sucky evening. I tend to be really sensitive about people not liking me for no reason.

Anyhow, I left and went home with the professor. We ended up having a long talk and finally seeming to make up. I spent the night with him and we had great sex, even though it was really late and he’d originally said we could just cuddle together and go to sleep since we were so emotionally tired. More good sex in the morning but I’m still a little leery of my ability to attend swinger parties with him in the future. Part of me wants to prove that it was just a one- time bout with insecurity but part of me wonders if I am cut out for this at all.

There were some factors that affected me, like the fact that I was a couple days before starting my period and I tend to hit rock bottom emotionally then. It seems to bring out the worst insecurities in me as well. He says he was extra tired from a long day of refereeing tournament games and that is why he may have seemed more distant in the beginning. He also claims that it is perfectly normal in “the Lifestyle” for people to invite one part of a couple to join into an orgy while the other person is left standing there all awkward. I don’t like that much at all. I also feel shy at these parties because he knows a lot of people and I don’t. I’m someone that in some situations can really live it up and be wild at a party but other times I can appear reserved. It really depends on my comfort level and the vibe of the party and those around me. This was not one of my good nights. I also was sober. Maybe I’m better off drunk, lol.

Some of the stuff I just need to deal with on my own, like flipping out over him going into that room with that woman. I don’t think he is someone who would actually abandon me at a party but I’ve had a guy do that to me in the past, actually LEFT me there while he took off with the other woman so my inner panic was due to things in the past that have happened to me. I wasn’t feeling “hot” that night either due to so many women being in lingerie and it didn’t help that the DJ said he didn’t recognize me right away since I was “wearing so many clothes” this time. In an honest assessment, I still probably looked better than 75% of the women there, who were older, unattractive, or obese, but my focus was on the young women with perfect bodies who never had kids and can run around near naked without feeling any fear.

My self- image isn’t at its best after years of being sexually rejected by my ex- husband. I can’t even wear a bikini at the lake without worrying about my body. One on one I know guys like me and I can drum up my confidence, but when it comes to comparing myself with other women I often feel I come up short. UGH. I so need to get over that!! Especially if I am ever going to go to a swinger party again!! I swear half the women looked like the lady in the picture above. Really. So honestly, if you saw me there you’d think I was being ridiculous.

Well, there you have it! My insecurities laid bare. I suck. I’m so mad at myself for acting that way. The downside of the swing hit me hard. I hope I can make it back up to the top and actually have FUN next time, if there is one.

When men don’t want sex

I know I have a high sex drive. Supposedly men love it when a woman likes to have sex all the time. Supposedly. That’s what they say, that’s what society tells us. Men are eternally horny and never want to do anything but fuck, right? That’s all they think about, right? I kind of wish that were true.

More than once in my life I have been in a position where I felt like I was the one wanting more sex than the male I was sleeping with. Most notable was the discrepancy in my marriage. I was married for 13 years to a man that showed virtually no sexual interest in me. It cut me to the core and made me question myself a lot and wonder what I was doing wrong.

I’ll never forget the day, while we were still newlyweds, when I got all dressed up in my sexiest lingerie, thigh highs, and heels, fixed my hair and makeup and waited to surprise him at the door upon his arrival home from work. I was barely 21 years old, with a near perfect figure from working out daily and never having had children. 5’6”, 110 lbs, but I still had curves, plus a perfectly flat stomach, the envy of every girl I knew. Yet my husband took one look at me, pushed past and announced that he had a headache and was going to bed. I was crushed. 😦 I sat in the living room alone in the dark, tears streaming down my face, wondering what it was about me that he didn’t want.

Our wedding night hadn’t gone any better. I was eager with the anticipation of sleeping together, finally, after having taken a year and a half break from sex due to his “rededication to Christ”. Yet when I tried to initiate a makeout he turned me down. I didn’t understand why and it brought me to tears. That time he had tried to offer comfort, then said he just “couldn’t do that to me” when I was so upset. What? I WANTED to have sex! Do what?? Nevertheless we didn’t sleep together that night, or most of the nights on our honeymoon, though we did finally consummate the marriage.

The scenes repeated each other over and over in various ways throughout the years. I would try every way I could think of to get him to sleep with me, to no avail. Even on our anniversaries at hotels he would roll over and fall asleep, leaving me sad and lonely, wondering if other couples had that problem or it was just me. We had sex occasionally, and even had children, but it was so infrequent. I’d ask him how it could possibly be enough for him and he said he was plenty satisfied with our sexual relationship, I should be more focused on spiritual things and not make such a big deal about sex.

I tried waiting until he initiated, but it never happened. That time we went almost an entire year without sex at all. He didn’t appear to be having an affair. He was busy with work and school but even during times he was laid off from work nothing happened. I’d try and try to talk to him about it. Was there something he wanted me to do differently? I couldn’t get any real answers from him, he claimed to be satisfied and that he really didn’t need that much sex. I was so disappointed, not only in him but in myself for not being able to arouse his passion. He swore up and down he was not gay and became angry with me for asking. He shamed me for wanting so much sex, like it wasn’t normal for a woman to be that way.

After my divorce I was finally free to enjoy sex again! With whomever I pleased and from reading my blog you can see I do just that. 😉 However I have come across more than one situation where it seems my sex drive is still higher than the men around me. I’m talking about men I have already developed a sexual relationship with, and slept with on more than one occasion. I’ve also come across some interesting guys while dating and meeting people online that have lead me to believe my interest in sex is greater than theirs. It leads me to wonder if men aren’t the ones with the lower sex drives after all. Maybe it’s my age (mid- thirties) or the age of the men? Or maybe men are really just putting on a show. Sure, they are easier to turn on and don’t need the warm up time that a woman does, but when push comes to shove, I’m not so sure they aren’t the ones wanting to “just cuddle” more often!

I came across a blog recently where a woman was complaining that she had been invited for dinner to a man’s house that she had previously enjoyed great sex with. Upon drinking a glass or two of wine that he provided he announced he didn’t want to have sex because he was in a relationship now with a new woman. WTF? Why would you invite someone over just to turn them down? Yes, I’ve heard of women doing this nonsense, but men? If we believed the media we’d believe they can have sex with just about any female and and are uncontrollable in their desire to do so. Standard evolutionary theories claim men need to “spread their seed” and can’t help the desire to fuck, while women aren’t so inclined. Please.

Counseling books and marriage manuals tell women over and over how they need to satisfy their husband sexually and look good for him and that will keep him happy. The Christian ones are the worst, but don’t get me started. I tried so hard to do that for my ex- husband to no avail. You can lead a guy to the pussy, but you can’t make him fuck it, lol.

I’ve discovered, over online dating, that there are some men who enjoy getting off to a woman’s voice or pictures or flirty, sexual, texts but have no desire to actually sleep with you. That’s just too much work, apparently. Or else they are married and living that little fantasy in their mind is their escape and they don’t want to get caught so they continue on without ACTUALLY doing anything. It’s not just women that play these kinds of games! I had one guy call me on the phone and basically use me for phone sex! He started asking me questions and I had kids nearby so I couldn’t really answer. He told me just to say yes or no because he was so turned on by my sexy voice and started asking what position I liked and other sexual things and was getting really excited by my answers. He’d be like “that is so fucking hot” and all I’d say was yes or no and okay. Then it suddenly became apparent he was through jacking off and he hung up the phone. So much for our date that night! It didn’t happen. Seriously, he got his over the phone. Dork.

Even the married guys I have been involved with sexually do similar things. Sometimes they will actually get together for sex but others it seems they are more interested in fantasy encounters. I don’t have time for that, I want the real thing. Screw phone sex!! LOL I haven’t had webcam sex yet, but I hear that’s pretty popular these days. Ugh. I can masturbate by myself. I want ACTUAL SEX, dammit!!

Then there is the Professor. He lives within 15 minutes of my house and the sex is FANTASTIC. I know he likes me. He even buys me little things from time to time and is really sweet. I know he likes the sex, but sometimes he complains of being tired. He’s only in his early forties but you’d think by the way he talks that he was 80. He’s not sleeping with other women that frequently either so it makes me wonder that he doesn’t seem to want it more often. Don’t get me wrong, I see him maybe once or twice a week for sex and that is great, but I’m puzzled sometimes by his behavior. Like the other day he said he wanted me to come over but he didn’t want to sleep together. WTF?

I was kind of angry and annoyed, to be honest. I didn’t want to be too demanding, because he said he was tired and not feeling that great but I asked if he really thought we should see each other then and he said yes. I reluctantly agreed to come over. I dressed cute even though he said “don’t dress up” and had every intention of seducing him to have sex with me though (which I did). I think his actual original plan was just to cuddle on the couch. I really didn’t want to do that and he was like “you are so bad” when I started teasing him. Total role reversal, but come on!! When we finally went back into his bedroom I was like “c’mon just the tip” in a joking way and he laughed and was like “yeah right”. SMFH

He’s not the only one either. My FWB guy comes over here and stays the whole weekend and sometimes he only wants to have sex like once or twice the entire time! He’d rather hang out and be with me and have sex a little bit. Now, I’m not knocking guys when they can’t get hard immediately after round one but I admit I like it when they can go again and again. Still sometimes they act like “all you ever want is sex” to me. :p Is that bad?

I have to wonder if men really want what they say. They are all about “I want a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets” but when they actually get it sometimes they try to dial you back and make you feel bad for your desire for more. I’ve had guys say things like “you don’t have to be so sexual all the time, we should go out more and just do things together”. Or “talk to me more about other stuff, not just sex” and actually “are you using me for sex?” (No, really, a guy has actually asked me that, then tried to play it off like he was joking later). I don’t mind spending non sexual time with guys I like, at all, it just strikes me as funny when they say stuff like that, lol.

So who REALLY has the higher sex drive and needs? Men or women? Does this change when you are in a poly relationship versus a monogamous one? Could it be because sex is often more physical work and more demanding for men to participate in? Is masturbation just easier and less pressure? Would love to read your thoughts!